More Traffic, More Death

Copenhagen, Denmark – A new study from Denmark claims the louder the traffic near people’s homes, the greater their risk of heart attack.

“We found that- hold on,” said a researcher as a bus blew by his podium. “We found that the more- hold on.” A few cars honked their horns as they slowly merged into the crowded street. “We found-” Over the squealing breaks and foghorn of a huge truck he shouted, “screw it!”

“So that’s why we never lived past twenty two,” said a family living under a bridge. “Look how close we are to the highway.” She shivered and added, “plus, it gets kinda cold here during the winter. So very cold.”

The American Automobile Association called the study “another bundle of lies”, “look, if automobiles weren’t safe, we wouldn’t have built a billion dollar industry around them as well as a multi billion dollar firewall of advocacy groups, lawyers and lobbyists” and “we’ll tell you where it all went wrong: when we lost the great Seatbelt War of ’72.”

“This is great,” said a major international earplug manufacturer. “Viral marketing is the new billboard.” He lit a cigar with a twenty euro and added, “you know, in your country, this is like lighting a cigar with a fifty dollar bill. By the way, your money looks weird.”

Report filed by Editor at 10:00 am