Nasal Flu Vaccine As Effective As Aromatherapy, Religion

Atlanta, GA – Experts say the popular, needle-free FluMist influenza vaccine has not protected kids or adults against flu for years and should not be used this coming flu season.

“But it was decided by a scientific consensus!” said a concerned mother. “Are you telling me that science isn’t exact?” She raised her hands in frustration, adding, “so what’s the deal with global warming? Is that a lie too? So a one degree rise isn’t sexy enough to cause alarm? Yes, this is a tangent, but shouldn’t we be focused on the sensationalism of science? Isn’t that super bad?”

“Hey!” said a priest. “Why are you dragging us into this? Seriously, dude, those are your issues, not ours. Sure, we’re not perfect, but- okay, you can stop laughing. Okay, that’s totally inappropriate for- stop laughing! Stop-” After the ensuing scuffle, our reporter decided not to press charges in exchange for absolution.

The makers of nasal vaccine called the experts “dirty liars”, “fatheads” and “jerks to the third degree. Wait, forth. Damn it, so much math. It wasn’t never really our strong suit.”

“So needles?” asked a father. “That sounds good. Kids? Get in there and get your shots.” After a minute he paid his co-pay, then added, “there. Mystery solved. Whatever, get in the car.”