Chicago, IL – Shortly after airing a news segment aimed at helping parents curb their kids’ high-budget Christmas expectations, a news anchor decided it was the perfect time to cut to the chase and advised parents to just tell kids there’s no such thing as Santa.

“Look, it’s just easier,” reasoned a top news anchor. “You don’t wanna start their lives based on a lie. Why do you think it took us so long to enter the war? Because we lied to our children. Hitler could have been stopped in ’41, but we were too busy lying to our children. The blood is on our hands.”

“What?” said an elf at the North Pole. “Who the [expletive deleted] said that? Oh, that [expletive deleted] is going on the naughty list. Where do you think they got the idea for Santa and the elves? Maybe if they were real journalists they’d do some investigating and find out truth. Muckraking [expletive deleted]ers.”

The Rational Thinkers of America, a local think-tank, called the news “the death of American whimsy”, “you people need this kind of fantasy to remove yourselves from the pointless, daily grind that is your life” and “oh yes, we’re far better than you. Ta-ta!”

“Yeah, I kinda figured that,” said a child. “Most of the kids at school gave me that info on the first day.” He then lit a cigarette and added, “[expletive deleted] gets real in here real quick, ya know? [Expletive deleted]ing real quick.”