Nuns Attack Nuclear Bomb Facility

Oak Ridge, TN – The US government’s only facility for handling, processing and storing weapons-grade uranium has been temporarily shut after anti-nuclear activists, including an eight-two-year-old nun, breached security fences.

“They broke in here,” said a facility administrator as he pointed to a very detailed map of the grounds. “Then they made their way across this field, here, through the blind spot in our security cameras, here and here, and then gained entry into our building using this open window, here.” He tapped on the map and added, “this should never happen at a secure facility.”

“Why would anyone want to attack us?” asked a plant worker. “We’re just trying to make a living by assembling weapons of mass destruction. They haven’t been used yet, so it’s not like we’re killing billions.” He wiped the sweat off his brow and added, “yet.”

The Church called the break-in “not sanctioned by us”, “of all the break-ins we’ve organized over the last thousand years, we never thought we’d be accused of this one” and “by the way, we stole your grandmother’s necklace whilst conducting this interview. We’re slightly richer!”

“Now the world’s attention is on nuclear proliferation,” said an activist. “We- what? Phelps got number twenty? Amazing. Guys, come here, they’re replaying the race. Wow, look at him go. Shhhhhhhh, this is far more important.”

Report filed by Editor at 9:00 am