New York, NY – City Mayor Bloomberg plans to propose a far-reaching municipal ban on sales of large-size sugary beverages by restaurants, mobile food carts, movie theaters and delis.
“Since you idiots are too stupid to know what to eat, we’ll figure it out for you,” said a Mayor’s aide. “That’s right, morons, we’re trying to help you. Plus, we’re kinda out of money, and recent polls show you’ll riot if we jack the price of cigarettes up to fifteen bucks.” He threw a banana at the audience whilst shouting, “idiots!”
“What can I sell?” asked a bodega owner. “Everything in my store would be banned. Literally, everything. Maybe this is the kick in the pants I needed to go back to school and finish my nursing degree.” He began pouring gasoline around the shop whilst whistling, “we didn’t start the fire.”
The White House called the proposed ban “delicious”, “once we control their eating habits, we can control their brains. Once we control their brains, we can control their spending. Once we control their spending, we can finally pay down the debt and fund public programs for everyone!” and “what? Our heart is in the right place.”
“It sounds like a good idea, but it’s not,” said a New Yorker. “Things are already so expensive, why should I have to pay extra to eat what I want? This is still America, right? Then leave me alone and let me do what I want to do. Come on, that’s not asking for too much.”