Obesity Epidemic Reaches Shocking New Highs

Washington DC – The latest reports show that forty percent of US women are obese, and American teenagers are also continuing to put on weight.

“This is an epidemic that’s out of control!” yelled a doctor. “It’s spreading to everyone and killing untold millions! We all need to panic, big time! No, bigger! Yeah, but wave your arms around when you- that’s it. Now the yell has to be genuine. No, that’s a falsetto- yeah, more like- yeah! Good! Now, run out into the street and don’t stop yelling until they haul you away! Go!”

“I am beautiful just the way I am,” said an obese woman from her hospital bed. “And no one can tell me…” She took a few gasps as the machines regulated her oxygen and pumped more drugs into her body. After several hours she awoke, and added, “what have I done? Besides ignore-” She then slipped back into unconsciousness.

The National Cane Sugar Trade Association called the report “wrong”, “erroneous” and “not factually accurate. Everyone needs sugar to live, right? So you’re telling us, an association of people who’s lives are dedicated to keeping others alive and happy, that our product is killing people by making them obese? Then you, sir, can go to hell. Yeah, that’s our statement. Oh, yes, we’re totally assuming the question is hostile. No, it will be, trust us.”

“What can I do?” asked a frantic parent. “It’s not like I’m shopping for these foods and am making choices for me and my family! Wait, I am. Oh. Okay, no, I can just change- yeah, sorry, that was dumb.”