Washington DC – According to new analysis, automatic cuts in federal spending will cost the economy more than two million jobs, from defense contracting to border security to education, if Congress fails to resolve the looming budget crisis.
“We looked at these numbers for years,” said an analyzer. “And it looks like if they don’t renew a contract, then that company or person won’t provide a service, which means he or she will not be paid. Therefor, cuts in federal spending means people won’t get paid. That’ll be three million dollars. Thank you.”
“If Congress does nothing, millions of people will be without work,” said a Democrat to the press corp. “Congress has one job: make jobs. That’s it. If they can’t do that, then you should vote them out.” After some off-mic snickering he added, “tell Congress to do its job.”
The analysis went on “if we give money to people, they’re happy”, “writing a fifty page conclusion is really tough to do” and “four score and seven years ago… oh, we’re gonna pad this thing with a few famous speeches, so you might as well stop reading now.”
“What genius figured out that?” asked an American. “Is that the same guy that thought giving money to banks would mean they’d lend more? Are these guys children? They are? Oh. Well, that makes more sense. Dangerous, but logically consistent.”