Olympic Tourists To Be Killed By Violence

Brasília, Brazil – Local soccer great Rivaldo is telling tourists to stay away from the Olympics in Rio de Janeiro because of the danger of endemic violence.

“That’s a lie,” said an Olympic Committee member. “We picked Rio because it was really, really safe.” After a very long pause he quickly mumbled, “and they gave us a truck full of money.” When pressed as to what he said, he yelled, “I have a problem with lying, okay? I always tell the truth!” He then mumbled, “you’re all going to die. Don’t come.”

“Come on,” said a local thug. “This is our time to shine. Don’t take it away from us.” He flipped open a knife, adding, “you might say we’ve been training for this our whole lives. This is our mugging/stabbing Olympics and I’m going for gold!” He stood and lunged at our reporter, missed, and fell to the ground. Several street urchins rushed to help, stabilizing his head and taking him to get a CAT scan.

The Olympic Committee noted “as long as you stay inside a stadium you’ll be fine”, “as long as you buy Olympic sanctioned goods, you’ll be fine” and “disobey and you die. Also, you’ll be fine.”

“If there’s one class of people to trust, it’s soccer stars,” said a local. “They have all the money, so they’re not afraid to tell the truth. No, I’m being serious. Is that how your culture is? All sarcasm and no substance? That’s shameful.” He went back to stacking piles of dead fish, adding, “you barbarians.”