Olympics Ban Water Bottles, Allow ‘Fun’, As Long As It’s Still Sealed

London, UK – Organizers revealed new oppressive rules that ban Olympic ticketholders from bringing a range of items from long-lens cameras to Che Guevara t-shirts and ‘excessive food‘ to venues.

“The last thing we need is a fat, hydrated photographer wearing a Che shirt,” said an organizer. “That’s not what the Olympics are about. It’s about paying a lot of money to see a select few show off their freakish talents.” He tapped his nose and added, “and a good place to buy nose candy. But that’s all!”

“We have a few hundred thousand people here,” said a vendor. “But we can only serve five of them. So, to compensate for our overhead, each meal will be three hundred and fifty eight thousand five hundred twelve Euros. We’ll be selling tickets online today- oh, sold out.”

The Olympic Committee also announced “we’re considering banning cheering or clapping, as that might disturb the migratory patters of local birds”, “we already have the winner, why are you people even going to this thing?” and “if we could make the experience more uncomfortable, we’d find a way. Oh, tacks on the seats!”

“I guess it could be worse,” said a man who travelled a few thousand miles to see his daughter compete. “But I don’t know if ‘I guess it could be worse’ should be the official slogan of the Olympics. Look, it’s plastered on everything. Why would you hang a huge banner that says, ‘I guess it could be worse?’ Doesn’t that make it worse?”