New York, NY – The Dow Jones industrial average and S&P 500 officially wiped out their year-to-date losses this week, and if the trend continues, it would mark the biggest quarterly comeback since 1933.
“This is great!” said an investor. “All we needed was a massive crash to wipe out a vast majority of our country’s wealth to set up this comeback! Come on, everyone, let’s party!” He looked around the homeless encampment, adding, “oh, right, we lost everything. Well, time to [horrific sexual act omitted] for food.”
“Now that they believe in the system again, let’s do something crazy!” said an investor at a major bank. “How can we hustle people out of their money. Yeah, let’s start with the poor, as they’re generally pretty stupid. Yeah, I hope no one’s recording this either. Wait, what’s Stephanie doing in here? No! This isn’t an official corporate- get out!”
The NASDAQ called the gains “lame as [expletive deleted]”, “dude, you suck at your job” and “yo, for real? If we did what you did we’d lose our jobs. Come on, man, you can’t screw everything up and then expect a parade when you sorta clean up your own mess. We’re millennials and we know that!”
“We all know the market will crash in five years, then take about eight to recover, then crash for another seven,” said a man. “But then, it’ll take about six years to recover and that’s right around when I’ll retire, so no complains over here. I mean, besides the non-stop anxiety between now and 2057.”