Passengers Sue, Airlines Laugh

Mineola, NY – Ten passengers filed a lawsuit against JetBlue Airways today, claiming they feared for their lives when a pilot had to be physically restrained after running through the cabin yelling about Jesus and al-Qaida during a New York-to-Las Vegas flight in March.

“What? Where does it say we can’t tell passengers that we’re going to crash the plane?” asked a top airline executive. “It’s our right, no, our duty, to abuse passengers in any way we see fit. Overcharging, abusive service, limited service, late flights, seats that were designed to create blood clots… I mean, it’s our right. Our [expletive deleted]ing right!”

“They can’t treat us like this!” shouted a passenger at terminal B. “They have no right to-” As he was repeatedly tased and beaten, he screamed, “they have no right!” On a bright note, the cleaning crew did an excellent job power washing the blood and brain matter off the sidewalk.

The FAA called the suit “frivolous”, “the government literally has no business in the airlines since deregulation, and we aim to keep it that way” and “yes, besides the FAA. And the continuing bailouts. And supporting the airline unions. Whatever, stop talking.”

“It’s good that someone’s trying to keep the airlines in check,” whispered a passenger. “But if you think about it, prices are the lowest they’ve ever been, adjusting for inflation and- hold on, are you an Air Marshall? You have to tell me if I ask. Okay, so, anyway, I don’t like them, but they’re a necessary evil- awww, come on! You had to tell me!”

Report filed by Editor at 11:01 am