Des Moines, IA – Pepsi, facing a lawsuit from a man who claims to have found a mouse in his Mountain Dew can, has an especially creative, if disgusting, defense: their soda would have dissolved a dead mouse before the man could have found it.

“Most of our products are classified as ‘chemicals’ and should never be ingested,” said the council of a top soda manufacturer. “We believe a janitor accidentally ingested our product in the 40s, felt refreshed and the rest is history. Again, never, ever, put this stuff near a human. Ever.”

“Oh yeah, we’ve been using that for years,” said an exterminator. “That and baby food. Yep, nothing will kill a muskrat quicker than mixed vegetables from [major baby food manufacturer]. Hey, why won’t you say [major baby food manufacturer]? I mean, people should know [major baby food manufacturer]‘s baby food is literally poison. Come on!”

The Frivolous Lawsuit Association of America called the defense “erroneously negligent”, “if this man loses, we will be suing Pepsi, mus musculus, the contractor who built the courthouse, anyone who has looked at a can of soda and, of course, God” and “nothing to say? Discrimination! We’ll see you in court!”

“If that were true I’d have a hole in my stomach,” said a teen as he slammed an energy drink. “And I’m just fine.” He stood, wobbled, steadied himself and then shouted, “orange sticks!” When asked about his last comment he denied saying it, so we’re fairly certain that kid is going to die. We didn’t get his last name, but the parent’s of “Roger” should get him a CT scan or a MRI.