Peruvian Meteorite Causes Sickness, Strips People of Superpowers

Lima, Peru – Regional authorities said villagers in southern Peru were struck by a mysterious illness after a meteorite made a fiery crash to Earth in their area.

“At first I thought it was a shooting star and I wished I may, I wished I might, I wished that star would get me laid tonight,” said an unidentified Peruvian teenager, covered in vomit. “The nail in that coffin was when I threw up in my date’s mouth. Looks like I have to go to Cabo and get some American girls, they like that sort of thing.”

“We asked America to send some NASA guys here after Todd, our Science and Technology Secretary, looked through his Radio Shack telescope and saw the meteorite headed toward us,” said a Peruvian government official. “They declined, saying ‘they only respond to foreign acts of terror’. [Expletive deleted]ers. I’m shipping samples to the White House, that’ll show ‘em.”

“I can’t lift heavy trucks over my head anymore!” cried one muscle-bound Peruvian, trying to lift an 18 wheeler over his head. “I can’t lift heavy trucks over my…crap, it’s gonna fall!”

“Like any disaster, we have to survey the situation and make sure that our aid workers can get in and out without risking their own lives trying to save those who don’t deserve to live,” said a US government spokesperson, standing next to the meteorite. “Unfortunately, as you can see, the roads are blocked and no one can get in or out of Peru. Ah, there’s my driver, I gotta go.”

Report filed by Chrisasian at 10:01 am