Seattle, WA – AT&T has started cutting users data speeds as part of an attempt to manage data usage on its network.

“We’ve very happy that they’ve chosen us for their data needs,” said a telecommunications officer. “But we can’t have them using the system all the time. What if everyone used the system like that? The whole thing would crash! You’re more than welcome to pay a hundred bucks a month, just don’t use your phone. Ever.”

“What the hell?” asked a user. “I can’t set my phone up to piggyback other devices on the system? That was the only reason I chose them! Their very, very crappy internet security. What? No, I didn’t choose them for their very, very crappy service. Well, I guess it’s back to home invasions.”

Major competitors called the throttle “illegal? Can they do that?”, “no one’s taken them to court? Okay, fellas, here’s the plan. Let’s all throttle back, drag court proceedings for the inevitable class action out for decades and finally declare bankruptcy” and “this is gonna make us much more than when we all agreed to charge by the minute. God, those were good times.”

“My internets work fine,” said a mobile user. “Who exactly are they throttling back? Oh, just the top five percent? That makes sense.” She started typing on his phone before adding, “please go away.”