Political Momentum Fixes Nothing

Orlando, FL – Experts question whether the so-called “no fly, no buy” approach would not be effective in preventing several of the most grisly recent mass shootings in Orlando, San Bernardino, and Newton.

“But it has political momentum!” wrote a woman in her Facebook post. “So it has to work! We simply need to wish away the weapon and people won’t be motivated to harm others.” We couldn’t tell if she was trolling or serious, so we instructed our reporters to live their lives to the best of their abilities, enjoy the little moments, and take deep, slow breaths.

“Umm, yeah,” said an FBI agent as he squeezed through the door to his office. “We’re all a little behind, what with the ten thousand new terrorist tips that come in every day. So either the US is full of crazy people or people are crazy paranoid. Or both. Either way, you can’t really get in here to finish the interview. I’m pretty sure you’ll get buried under the paperwork. Yes, literally. Also, help.”

The terrorists called the lists “a horrible breach of freedom, which is great for us”, “the reason we got into this business” and “our stock has never been higher. Oh yes, this is all to boost terrorist stock. No access to our market? Well, then, how much freedom do you really have? Wait, women can do what? Disgusting!”

“Now they’re saying this was about control and not about religious extremism,” said a reader. “Seriously? Can we just say there’s a problem and then get to work? How hard- oh. Well, then, Canada it is!”