Dallas, TX – A man in a Texas prison received four out of ten votes in West Virginia’s Democratic presidential primary.
“If he’s elected, he will free everyone,” said the campaign manager for the inmate. “He promises to give the government’s money back to the people and remove all taxes. All you need to do is mail in twenty dollars to inmate 4029482, care of Prison. Thank you.”
“We’re gonna win!” exclaimed a Republican. “If a man convicted of extortion can get forty percent of votes, then a non-conviced extortionist will get eighty percent of votes! It’s a sure thing! What? What did I say? Oh, is this a black thing? Well, we win there too: the guy is white! Booyeah!”
The Regents on the Board of the Electoral College called the votes “dangerous”, “if the people realize that they have little to no power in elections, they could rise up and eat us” and “oh, we know you’re one reality show away from cannibalism. We’re all too aware.”
“It’s a cheap political stunt to make the President look bad,” said a voter. “Do you think that this story is going to mobilize people? Do you think new voters will flock to the polls because four out of ten people in the second hickiest state went with someone else? The first? I’ll never tell…”