White House Wants NSA To Stop NSA-ing Things

Washington DC – The White House wants the National Security Agency to get out of the business of sweeping up and storing vast amounts of data on Americans’ phone calls.

“We will pass a law and stop the NSA from listening to your phone calls!” said a White House spokeswoman. “That’s how this government works: the President makes the rules and you shut the [expletive deleted] up and obey.” She spit at the press pool, then went back inside.

“Umm, we don’t answer to anyone but Congress,” said a NSA officer. “And we got enough dirt on those scumbags to keep us in business until 2025.” He straightened his tie, adding, “after that, we’ll negotiate with the robots. They should be reasonable by then.”

The White House also wants “America stop stop being so fat”, “other agencies to stop doing what they’re doing in the interest of national security” and “hover boards. What? We can’t dream?”

“Isn’t that why we have them?” asked an American. “We knowingly give up some personal rights to ensure our safety. Right? Is everyone shocked that this is how it works? Well, then we should vote in better lawmakers. Well, then… I donno, secede? Guys, can we- woah, how did the cops get here so fast?”

Russia Eats Just A Little Of Crimea

Sevastopol, Ukraine – Crimeans voted overwhelmingly to leave Ukraine and join Russia, election officials said yesterday, capping a heavy-handed campaign that blocked most voters from hearing a vision for any alternative to unification with Moscow. “We can not accept that people can vote to change their political future,” said a US Senator. “What kind of world do we live in where a sovereign nation can ...

Senators Filibuster To Stop Global Warming

Washington DC – After the last round of votes concludes last night, twenty eight US Senators plan to talk the night away in series of speeches delivered on the chamber floor, focused on climate change. “We’re going to filibuster the weather until it stops doing what it’s doing and changes back,” said a Senator. “And, with the help of the American people, we can conquer ...

Public Nervously Anticipates Senate Vote On Bill About Military Prosecution Powers

Washington DC – Legislation to curb sexual assaults in the military by stripping senior commanders of their authority to prosecute rapes and other serious offenses is headed for a highly anticipated vote in the Senate. “Quiet, everyone!” shouted a Senator. “We’re going to vote on something. America! Quiet! Sit quietly until we vote. Such is ...

Election Season Starts Earlier And Earlier

Austin, TX – Texas is holding the nation’s first primary election today with a political free-for-all in Republican races that could push the state further right, though Democrats are calling it the next big electoral battleground. “That’s it, I’m calling it!” said a political pundit. “Looks like the 2016 election is all set, unless any ...

Russia And China Unite To Rule The World!

Kiev, Ukraine – Russia has said China is largely “in agreement” over Ukraine, after other world powers condemned Moscow for sending troops into the country. “Ohhhh, snap,” said a White House official. “This is the sort of thing we didn’t want to happen. See?” He held up his dream board, which showed Putin shaking is ...

Federal Workers Productivity Up To Twenty Five Percent

Washington DC – Between snow days, official holidays and the government shutdown, federal employees have worked a normal business day less than seventy five percent of the time since the first of October, marking a startlingly chaotic beginning to the fiscal year. “Look, it’s obvious that you don’t need us,” said a federal employee. “But ...

Woman Of The People Wears Expensive Dress, Subtly Indicating The People Should Suffer And Die

Washington DC – Guests on a news show speculated that the First Lady’s dress to the State Dinner topped ten thousand dollars. “So the First Lady has a dress that’s more than the official yearly poverty level income?” asked a poor person. “Hey, she’s our queen, shouldn’t she be able to buy nice stuff? What? ...