Pregnant Pesant Pent Pending Puissant President’s Passing

Los Angeles, CA РWitnesses say a pregnant woman in labor was prevented by authorities from crossing a Los Angeles street to a hospital because the road had been closed for President Barack Obama’s impending motorcade.

“It’s important the President come to Hollywood,” said a White House insider. “Where else would he get money for things? No, Congress appropriates money for the government, we’re looking for money for the party. Also, you guys knew the street closures a day ago and should have planned better. Idiots.”

“I have tens of millions!” shouted a Hollywood producer. “And I choose to give that money to a political party that forces people to pay for public programs!” After a long cackle he added, “I could pay for that myself, but then… I have tens of millions!”

The LAPD called the incident “regrettable”, “she was going for a weapon” and “oh, we didn’t shoot her? Wow. Umm, well, score one for us. No, score it or we’ll shoot you. Yes, we’re serious.”

“It’s not the President’s fault,” said a reasonable man. “That being said, the police or Secret Service, or someone should have escorted that lady across the street. And the route shouldn’t block the city’s major hospital. Also, this is the eighteenth visit to LA. That’s enough. Stop. Please.”

America More Divided Than Ever

Washington DC – Sixty-seven percent of likely US voters say America is a more divided nation than it was four years ago. “I don’t agree with that,” said an American. “That seems like what the other side would say to make us more divided.” He took a deep breath, then added, “or is it a trick by our hardliners to split the party? I ...

A Few Billion Dollars Should Help Last Month’s Illegal Immigrants, So… Problem Solved!

Washington DC – Tackling what he has called a humanitarian crisis, President Obama asked Congress for three point seven billion dollars to cope with a tide of minors from Central America who are illegally crossing the US southern border. “Fine, we’ll sorta watch the border,” said a White House insider. “But you guys owe us. No, you literally owe us. Let’s say… I donno, four ...

Choose, Or Die

New York, NY – A new poll shows most Americans choose a political party. “We have to, right?” asked a man. “I mean, that’s the law, right?” He scratched his head, adding, “if you’re not one or the other you’re with the terrorists. That’s my understanding at least. That’s why 9/11 happened, right? What?” “That’s ...

Congress Has Twenty Eight Days Left To “Work” This Year

Washington DC – When Congress breaks next week for the Fourth of July recess, it will have only twenty eight days left to work before Election Day. “Ugh, this is what we call the ‘long haul,’” said a Congressman as he folded an origami crane on his large desk. “Thankfully, we just got our gin ...

Politicians Lie On Internet As Well As In Real Life

Washington DC – Politicians hustling to stay relevant on the social media battlefield should take notice before boasting about large numbers of Twitter followers as a new probe finds most of their followers are fake. “Umm, that’s how capitalism works,” said a politician. “Companies and unions pay me money to pass their laws, so why ...

Poll Shows This Guy Is Just As Bad As That Guy

Washington DC – With President Obama’s approval rating still deep underwater, a new survey finds that Americans generally think George W. Bush ran a more “competent” administration. “Now hold on,” said an Administration insider. “We didn’t run on being ‘competent.’ We ran on being cool. On dreaming. On hoping that things would get better. We’ve ...

US Banned From Awesomest Place In Space

Space – Russia plans to bar the US from using its rocket engines from launching US military satellites as well as banning US from using Space Station in retaliation for imposing sanctions. “We’re going to count to three,” said a Russian official. “Remove the sanctions and apologize. One… two…” After waiting for a generous amount ...