San Francisco, CA – After a three-week flirtation with another run for president, Mitt Romney said definitively that he will not seek the White House in 2016.
“He’s out,” said an insider at the Romney camp. “Unless it looks bleak, then he’s not. But he’s seriously done, until the day that he announces he’s running. So…” She pointed to a room full of Romney 2016 posters, adding, “we’ll be throwing these out, but not emptying our trash can if you know what I mean.”
“Booyeah!” said another Republican potential candidate. “Now I can continue on the path of not really announcing anything, sorta fundraising, and shamelessly kowtowing to special interest groups within our party that make up an extremely small percentage of votes in a primary! Success!”
The UN called the announcement “a dirty trick that ranks just over a three on the al-Assad-Hussein scale of deviancy”, “literally the worst thing to happen in the US since… well, ever” and “we’re at the ready to invade. Just give us the word, China or Russia. Just give us the [expletive deleted]ing word.”
“But, he’s the only guy that I could relate to,” said a rich man. “Just kidding, I can relate to everyone, that’s why I’m a successful businessman. Seriously, you have to relate to everyone to be successful. Seriously.”