Tampa, FL – The United States and Cuba will start talks on normalizing full diplomatic relations, marking the most significant shift in US policy toward the communist island in decades.
“So now everything we do is horrible?” asked an exasperated White House official. “First we can’t trick you with the healthcare thing. Then we can’t just legalize a few million people. Now we can’t talk to enemies like Cuba or Iran? Come on, guys, what do you want from us? Consistency? How ’bout the consistency of being inconsistent? Yeah, that’s a thing.”
“It’s a great trade!” said a State Department negotiator. “We get back one innocent American and they get back five spies!” When we offered him five bucks for his car he yelled, “I’m not stupid! No, I know the point you’re trying to make and it’s offensive! We’re not bad at negotiating.” After a few seconds he added, “I’ll take three bucks.”
The UN called the move “heart-warming”, “see guys? This is what the holidays are all about” and “except those Kwanza guys. Jesus, what’s up with that, right? What? The mic is still on? No. Is it? Uh oh.”
“This is a great move!” said a political guy. “Because you really can’t screw anything up with Cuba. We’re already super mean to them. As long as- what? They’re doing what? No, that’s not a move anyone would make. How could- no. No!”