Only Cuba Will Sit With Prez In International Cafeteria

Tampa, FL – The United States and Cuba will start talks on normalizing full diplomatic relations, marking the most significant shift in US policy toward the communist island in decades.

“So now everything we do is horrible?” asked an exasperated White House official. “First we can’t trick you with the healthcare thing. Then we can’t just legalize a few million people. Now we can’t talk to enemies like Cuba or Iran? Come on, guys, what do you want from us? Consistency? How ’bout the consistency of being inconsistent? Yeah, that’s a thing.”

“It’s a great trade!” said a State Department negotiator. “We get back one innocent American and they get back five spies!” When we offered him five bucks for his car he yelled, “I’m not stupid! No, I know the point you’re trying to make and it’s offensive! We’re not bad at negotiating.” After a few seconds he added, “I’ll take three bucks.”

The UN called the move “heart-warming”, “see guys? This is what the holidays are all about” and “except those Kwanza guys. Jesus, what’s up with that, right? What? The mic is still on? No. Is it? Uh oh.”

“This is a great move!” said a political guy. “Because you really can’t screw anything up with Cuba. We’re already super mean to them. As long as- what? They’re doing what? No, that’s not a move anyone would make. How could- no. No!”

Washington Ironically Loses Power

Washington DC – Authorities say an electrical transformer explosion has caused power outages at several government buildings in Washington. “We’re sure this was a terrorist attack,” said a White House spokeswoman. “But, in the interest of never having a terrorist attack on our watch, this was simply a blown generator. So go, my minions! Go and report this bland news! Don’t forget to blame race ...

The Queen Trips Balls

London, UK – Hallucinogenic mushrooms have been discovered on the grounds of Buckingham Palace, the home to Britain’s Queen Elizabeth. “The Queen is in full control of her facilities,” said a Palace representative. “And she is currently fulfilling her duties as Empress of the Empire.” He covered his mouth, mumbling, “even though she doesn’t really have any power and it’s just a weird political figurehead ...

Lame Duck Congress? More Like Lame Schmuck Congress

Washington DC – With the clock ticking towards a midnight deadline to keep the government open, GOP leaders say they’re still confident that a massive spending bill will narrowly pass in the House despite defections on both sides of the aisle. “I’m going against the bill because some other guy is for it!” screamed a ...

Congress Spends Like They’re Losing Their Jobs In January

Washington DC – Late last night the lame-duck Congress passed a bloated sixteen hundred page budget with all sorts of crazy laws inserted at the eleventh hour. “No, I didn’t read the whole thing!” exclaimed a Congressman. “Who has that kind of time? Look, we all got to cram three things into the bill and ...

Congressman Chastises Healthcare Expert For Calling Citizens Morons, Idiots, Headstupids

Washington DC – Democratic congressman Cummings tore into MIT professor and Obamacare architect Gruber for his remarks on American voters and the passage of the Affordable Care Act. “You can’t go around shooting off your mouth about our scam,” said a Democratic Congressman. “Now, you’re right, the people are still very, very stupid, so I’m ...

Congress Stands Up To Nazis

Washington DC – A bill that would block suspected Nazi war criminals from receiving Social Security benefits is heading to President Barack Obama for his signature. “It’s time we draw a line in the sand and stand up to these monsters,” said a lame duck Senator. “And I’m not saying this because I won’t have ...

President Decrees All Presidential Decrees Are Legal

Las Vegas, NV – President Obama will make a statement on immigration on Thursday night, followed by a rally at a Las Vegas high school on Friday. “We’re employing the same tactic as you are with the Ferguson case,” said a White House official. “By slowly leaking bad information over time, we keep the people ...