Two Time Failure Fails To Run

San Francisco, CA – After a three-week flirtation with another run for president, Mitt Romney said definitively that he will not seek the White House in 2016.

“He’s out,” said an insider at the Romney camp. “Unless it looks bleak, then he’s not. But he’s seriously done, until the day that he announces he’s running. So…” She pointed to a room full of Romney 2016 posters, adding, “we’ll be throwing these out, but not emptying our trash can if you know what I mean.”

“Booyeah!” said another Republican potential candidate. “Now I can continue on the path of not really announcing anything, sorta fundraising, and shamelessly kowtowing to special interest groups within our party that make up an extremely small percentage of votes in a primary! Success!”

The UN called the announcement “a dirty trick that ranks just over a three on the al-Assad-Hussein scale of deviancy”, “literally the worst thing to happen in the US since… well, ever” and “we’re at the ready to invade. Just give us the word, China or Russia. Just give us the [expletive deleted]ing word.”

“But, he’s the only guy that I could relate to,” said a rich man. “Just kidding, I can relate to everyone, that’s why I’m a successful businessman. Seriously, you have to relate to everyone to be successful. Seriously.”

Politician Arrested For Being Corrupt, Bringing Sand To Beach

Albany, NY – Assembly Speaker Silver, the longtime Albany power broker, surrendered today to face multimillion dollar federal corruption charges. “It’s time we clean up New York,” said a New York Deputy Attorney General. “So, we’re starting at the top of the list. This guy’s been up to no good since the 60s, and it’s time we roll up our sleeves and get to work.” ...

Guy Talks, Nation Listens, Nothing Changes

Washington DC – President Obama spent much of last night’s State of the Union calling for civility in politics, then taunted Republicans over his two election victories, after many of them applauded the looming end of his political career. “It’s important to remember who the finger pointers are,” said a White House insider. “They are. They’re name calling bigots! All we’re trying to do is ...

White House Lifts Cuba Ban, Congress Politely Applauds, Checks Their ID Badge, Curses

Washington DC – The Obama administration is putting a large dent in the US embargo against Cuba, significantly loosening restrictions on American trade and investment. “I mean, who’s gonna stop us?” argued a White House officer. “Congress? The people? The answer is no one. No one is gonna stop us. So, then the question becomes, ...

White House Pushes For Cyber Security, Cyberers Push For Less White House Intrusion

Washington DC – President Barack Obama made a renewed push for cybersecurity legislation, asking the new Congress to revive an initiative stalled over the past few years. “Laws will fix the problem!” said a White House insider. “Our laws. No, we don’t need Congress to approve anything. We’ll just tell businesses who use technology to ...

Millions Die In First Hours Of Texas Lifting Cupcake Ban

Austin, TX – The incoming Texas Agriculture Commissioner decreed he’s granting amnesty for cupcakes in the state’s schools. “It’s time we take back our schools from the queen!” screamed an Agriculture undersecretary. “We will not be forced to eat beets or kale!” He fired several shots into the air, screaming, “cupcakes for all free thinking ...

President Of Argentina Ends Werewolf Curse, Can’t Fix Runaway Inflation

Buenos Aires, Argentina – Argentina’s President Christina Fern├índez de Kirchner had a “magical moment” last week when she ended a young man’s werewolf curse. “It’s a president’s job to engage in magic,” said an Argentinian wizard. “Especially if it saves a little boy’s life.” As he floated away he added, “what good is government if ...

Only Cuba Will Sit With Prez In International Cafeteria

Tampa, FL – The United States and Cuba will start talks on normalizing full diplomatic relations, marking the most significant shift in US policy toward the communist island in decades. “So now everything we do is horrible?” asked an exasperated White House official. “First we can’t trick you with the healthcare thing. Then we can’t ...