Washington DC – President Barack Obama has officially vetoed a bill to approve the Keystone XL pipeline, marking his third rejection of congressionally approved legislation during his six years in office.
“If the President can just say one of his ideas are now law, why can’t a bill passed by a majority of both houses be a law?” asked a Congressman. “No, that wasn’t rhetorical, I’m new here and not sure how this whole thing works. They promised me all the booze I could drink and women? Is that- oh, that’s the other room. Gotcha.”
“This is proof that Obama hates America!” screamed a conservative. “He’s practically saying he wants rich people to be eaten alive by a million wasps!” He slammed his fists on his teak wood desk, adding, “we need to rise up and overthrow our oppressors! No, that’s not racist, I was- come on, guys, how was that racist? Fine, I give up.”
The Executive Branch also veto’d “last year’s election”, “prosperity” and “anything that the other party is for. Why? Because we have to look like we’re different even though we’re both for bigger government. Yeah, mostly because it personally enhances our lives. We’re this honest because you can’t do anything to stop us. Also, you’re a moron.”
“This means war,” said a Canadian oil tycoon. “We’re going to write a strongly worded message to the President, then ship our oil using the thirty-something pre-existing oil pipelines that are already built through America. Sorry if that was a little stern. Sorry.”