London, UK – Scottish lands will remain a part of the United Kingdom, after a narrow ‘no’ vote was tallied late last night.
“We’re disappointed, yet relieved,” said a Scottish official at a local pub. “We still have to deal with those stuck-up Brits, but, on the up-side, we can get back to drinkin’ and not worry about setting debts with a fledgling fiat currency system.” He took a long pull from his flask, adding, “there’s some good Scottish milk right there for ya.”
“Thank God,” said a British official. “Our graphic design team has been up all night working on a UK rebranding campaign if the Scots left.” He held up a banner which read, ‘Who needs em?’, adding, “and this was the best we could do.”
On the heels of the no vote, a confident UK announced “we’re taking back India, South Africa, and some of the Americas”, “the empire shall rise again!” and “what? Oh, okay. Sorry, China says we can’t do that. So sorry.”
“This is what I’m talking about!” said a one-percenter. “We gotta rise up and take back our money!” He looked around the Subway, adding, “come on, people, if we all do it, we- hey, who called the cops?”