Las Vegas, NV – President Obama will make a statement on immigration on Thursday night, followed by a rally at a Las Vegas high school on Friday.
“We’re employing the same tactic as you are with the Ferguson case,” said a White House official. “By slowly leaking bad information over time, we keep the people from rioting.” After a long laugh he added, “but this time, we’re going against the will of the people and there’s nothing you idiots can do about it!”
“Finally,” said an immigrant in the shadows. “Now I can step forward and pay my taxes.” After a long pause he added, “just kidding. I will never make enough to pay taxes. But I will collect a [expletive deleted]ton of welfare whilst continuing to work under-the-table jobs. Viva America!”
The President’s office also announced “you shall address his Highness as ‘Lord’ and always bend the knee before addressing your Lord”, “remember a few years back when our Lord said he wasn’t Emperor of the United States? Well, he’s not: he’s a god” and “shut up. Shut up, racist!”
“I’m not happy with the decision,” said a first generation immigrant man. “I worked really hard to get status and now they’re giving it away? And they think that’s going to get my vote? And even if they don’t deport those guys, they’re still here illegally, they’re just not being kicked out, which means no extra votes. Has anyone explained- how am I racist? I’m a minority who- whatever.”