President Decrees All Presidential Decrees Are Legal

Las Vegas, NV – President Obama will make a statement on immigration on Thursday night, followed by a rally at a Las Vegas high school on Friday.

“We’re employing the same tactic as you are with the Ferguson case,” said a White House official. “By slowly leaking bad information over time, we keep the people from rioting.” After a long laugh he added, “but this time, we’re going against the will of the people and there’s nothing you idiots can do about it!”

“Finally,” said an immigrant in the shadows. “Now I can step forward and pay my taxes.” After a long pause he added, “just kidding. I will never make enough to pay taxes. But I will collect a [expletive deleted]ton of welfare whilst continuing to work under-the-table jobs. Viva America!”

The President’s office also announced “you shall address his Highness as ‘Lord’ and always bend the knee before addressing your Lord”, “remember a few years back when our Lord said he wasn’t Emperor of the United States? Well, he’s not: he’s a god” and “shut up. Shut up, racist!”

“I’m not happy with the decision,” said a first generation immigrant man. “I worked really hard to get status and now they’re giving it away? And they think that’s going to get my vote? And even if they don’t deport those guys, they’re still here illegally, they’re just not being kicked out, which means no extra votes. Has anyone explained- how am I racist? I’m a minority who- whatever.”

FIFA Denies Corruption, Per Russian Bribe

New York, NY – FIFA released a forty two page report on the findings of an American lawyer into alleged corruption by Qatar and Russia in the 2018/2022 World Cup bidding process. “No, no, no,” said a high-ranking FIFA official. “This isn’t corruption. You Americans are overly litigious. This is simply receiving money for services, or, in this case, to remove threats of bodily harm ...

UN Calls For Disbandment Of US

New York, NY – The UN anti-narcotics chief said moves by some US states to legalize marijuana are not in line with international drugs conventions. “This is a clear violation on UN rules,” said a UN official. “And, as such, we join with the terrorists and call for the immediate destruction of the United States and the beheading of all of her peoples. Hey, don’t ...

Narcissists Vindicated After Months Of Touring, Television Ads, Debates

Washington DC – A weakened President and emboldened Republican leaders in Congress began adjusting to a new political dynamic after voters coast to coast used the midterm elections to sharpen the dividing lines in an already divided government. “That should send a strong message to the President to do what I say!” said a local ...

Vote, Or Die, Wait, Or Don’t Vote

Washington DC – After several hundred stories from the AP on how voters are angry, the day of voting has finally arrived. “Now we can talk about how they’re angry about being told their angry,” said an editor. “Then we can talk about evil campaign contributions, or about how the evil other party is manipulating ...

Poll Finds Americans Hate America, Loathe Canada, Tollerate British Virgin Islands

Washington DC – A new poll, conducted in states and districts in the most competitive congressional races, found that sixty four percent of Americans believe “things in the US feel like they are out of control right now.” “We asked several Americans how they felt,” said a pollster. “Did they feel America was in decline? ...

Iran Looks At Compromise Nuke Offer, Chuckles

Tehran, Iran – Diplomats report Iran is considering a US proposal at nuclear talks that would allow it to keep more of its nuclear infrastructure intact while still reducing its ability to make an atomic bomb. “We’re very interested in what you have to say,” said an Iranian diplomat. After breaking into uproarious laughter, he ...

UK Quells Scottish Uprising Without Using The Nuclear Haggis Option

London, UK – Scottish lands will remain a part of the United Kingdom, after a narrow ‘no’ vote was tallied late last night. “We’re disappointed, yet relieved,” said a Scottish official at a local pub. “We still have to deal with those stuck-up Brits, but, on the up-side, we can get back to drinkin’ and ...