Super Secret Plan Exposed For No Reason!

Washington DC – The AP has discovered the US Agency for International Development has sent nearly a dozen neophytes from Venezuela, Costa Rica and Peru to gin up opposition in Cuba over the past two years.

“We blew their cover!” screamed an elated reporter. “Take that, people who are working to topple communism and give eleven million people a better way of life!” He lit a cigarette, adding, “I can only hope that the uncovered youth are jailed and tortured as political prisoners for the next fifty years. Mission accomplished.”

“Why?” asked a high-ranking Cuban official as he smoked a cigar. “Our people are happy, yes? Everyone drives beautiful vintage cars and dances to music. That’s their job: drive and dance. Can’t you just let us be happy? No, this isn’t a Cuban cigar, it’s a Swisher Sweet. To us, it tastes like magic.”

The UN called the plan “surprisingly cunning”, “it doesn’t involve drones or the displacement of millions of people, so that’s a win for the US” and “we’re surprised that you’ve let the press get away from you. You guys did a great job of controlling them for six years. Oh well.”

“So are other countries going to get suspicious of us?” asked an American. “I mean, our press has literally printed a year of reports on how we’re spying on everyone, and now this.” He shook his head, adding, “how do you keep control an empire if no one trusts you?”

Pregnant Pesant Pent Pending Puissant President’s Passing

Los Angeles, CA – Witnesses say a pregnant woman in labor was prevented by authorities from crossing a Los Angeles street to a hospital because the road had been closed for President Barack Obama‚Äôs impending motorcade. “It’s important the President come to Hollywood,” said a White House insider. “Where else would he get money for things? No, Congress appropriates money for the government, we’re looking ...

America More Divided Than Ever

Washington DC – Sixty-seven percent of likely US voters say America is a more divided nation than it was four years ago. “I don’t agree with that,” said an American. “That seems like what the other side would say to make us more divided.” He took a deep breath, then added, “or is it a trick by our hardliners to split the party? I ...

A Few Billion Dollars Should Help Last Month’s Illegal Immigrants, So… Problem Solved!

Washington DC – Tackling what he has called a humanitarian crisis, President Obama asked Congress for three point seven billion dollars to cope with a tide of minors from Central America who are illegally crossing the US southern border. “Fine, we’ll sorta watch the border,” said a White House insider. “But you guys owe us. ...

Choose, Or Die

New York, NY – A new poll shows most Americans choose a political party. “We have to, right?” asked a man. “I mean, that’s the law, right?” He scratched his head, adding, “if you’re not one or the other you’re with the terrorists. That’s my understanding at least. That’s why 9/11 happened, right? What?” “That’s ...

Congress Has Twenty Eight Days Left To “Work” This Year

Washington DC – When Congress breaks next week for the Fourth of July recess, it will have only twenty eight days left to work before Election Day. “Ugh, this is what we call the ‘long haul,’” said a Congressman as he folded an origami crane on his large desk. “Thankfully, we just got our gin ...

Politicians Lie On Internet As Well As In Real Life

Washington DC – Politicians hustling to stay relevant on the social media battlefield should take notice before boasting about large numbers of Twitter followers as a new probe finds most of their followers are fake. “Umm, that’s how capitalism works,” said a politician. “Companies and unions pay me money to pass their laws, so why ...

Poll Shows This Guy Is Just As Bad As That Guy

Washington DC – With President Obama’s approval rating still deep underwater, a new survey finds that Americans generally think George W. Bush ran a more “competent” administration. “Now hold on,” said an Administration insider. “We didn’t run on being ‘competent.’ We ran on being cool. On dreaming. On hoping that things would get better. We’ve ...