Washington DC – Legislation to curb sexual assaults in the military by stripping senior commanders of their authority to prosecute rapes and other serious offenses is headed for a highly anticipated vote in the Senate.
“Quiet, everyone!” shouted a Senator. “We’re going to vote on something. America! Quiet! Sit quietly until we vote. Such is our command!” He waved his arms, adding, “obey your overlords! Obey!”
“What’s next? We won’t be allowed to kill?” asked a commanding officer. “These guys operate outside of natural law, okay? You can’t tell them what to do? Fine, then learn to be better statesmen and you won’t need us. Great. Now, a few of my men are going to force themselves on you. Hey, we’re grandfathered, so…”
The Senate also passed bills which would “curb the use of swear words during battle”, “curb the amount of rounds a military helicopter could hold” and “curb the military. Just because right now no one wants war. Who cares about the future? No, don’t answer that.”
“First of all, there are just a handful of guys in the service who are sexual preditors,” said a veteran. “And most of them are whipped into shape. This bill makes us all look like rabid rapists or actively involved in covering up such acts. That’s not true at all. It’s a shame this is what America thinks of the people who’ve given so much. You guys are spoiled jerks.”