Poll Finds Americans Hate America, Loathe Canada, Tollerate British Virgin Islands

Washington DC – A new poll, conducted in states and districts in the most competitive congressional races, found that sixty four percent of Americans believe “things in the US feel like they are out of control right now.”

“We asked several Americans how they felt,” said a pollster. “Did they feel America was in decline? In a death spiral? Or are we just giving up and letting Russia force herself on us in the back alley that is the UN?” He shrugged, adding, “you can’t argue with the public!”

“I am sick of this great country!” said a man. After looking around he added, “oh! I thought the police would come and beat me down for disagreeing with our general direction both at home and abroad. Ummm.” He cleared his throat, then added, “goooooo America! Wait, that’s not it. U-S-A! U-S-A!”

The poll also found “political slanted polls are far more fun to real than regular polls”, “people who use caps lock in any form of communication are idiots” and “there should be no more Batman movies. It’s been done, re-done, and re-re-done. Let it go.”

“Why should I tell you?” asked a man. “I vote during elections for political representation and at the cash register for companies. That speaks volumes.” He then went about his day, occasionally thinking of a wittier retort but suppressing the urge to email.

Iran Looks At Compromise Nuke Offer, Chuckles

Tehran, Iran – Diplomats report Iran is considering a US proposal at nuclear talks that would allow it to keep more of its nuclear infrastructure intact while still reducing its ability to make an atomic bomb. “We’re very interested in what you have to say,” said an Iranian diplomat. After breaking into uproarious laughter, he calmed himself, wiped the tears from his eyes, then added, ...

UK Quells Scottish Uprising Without Using The Nuclear Haggis Option

London, UK – Scottish lands will remain a part of the United Kingdom, after a narrow ‘no’ vote was tallied late last night. “We’re disappointed, yet relieved,” said a Scottish official at a local pub. “We still have to deal with those stuck-up Brits, but, on the up-side, we can get back to drinkin’ and not worry about setting debts with a fledgling fiat currency ...

American Poll Concludes Americans Are Stupid

Washington DC – Yesterday marked national Constitution Day, the 227th anniversary of the signing of the US Constitution, but only thirty six percent of Americans can actually name the three branches of government the Constitution created. “We’re no surprised,” said a White House official. “Did you see who they voted for in the past four ...

President Vows To Destroy Things

Washington DC – President Obama vowed to “destroy” Islamic State in Iraq and Syria terrorists in a prime-time address last night that sought to restore eroding public confidence in his leadership and ability to safeguard national security. “Look, this is a threat,” said a White House spokeswoman. “And we’re taking swift and decisive action with ...

Super Secret Plan Exposed For No Reason!

Washington DC – The AP has discovered the US Agency for International Development has sent nearly a dozen neophytes from Venezuela, Costa Rica and Peru to gin up opposition in Cuba over the past two years. “We blew their cover!” screamed an elated reporter. “Take that, people who are working to topple communism and give ...

Pregnant Pesant Pent Pending Puissant President’s Passing

Los Angeles, CA – Witnesses say a pregnant woman in labor was prevented by authorities from crossing a Los Angeles street to a hospital because the road had been closed for President Barack Obama‚Äôs impending motorcade. “It’s important the President come to Hollywood,” said a White House insider. “Where else would he get money for ...

America More Divided Than Ever

Washington DC – Sixty-seven percent of likely US voters say America is a more divided nation than it was four years ago. “I don’t agree with that,” said an American. “That seems like what the other side would say to make us more divided.” He took a deep breath, then added, “or is it ...