President Vetos Bill, Jobs, Fun

Washington DC – President Barack Obama has officially vetoed a bill to approve the Keystone XL pipeline, marking his third rejection of congressionally approved legislation during his six years in office.

“If the President can just say one of his ideas are now law, why can’t a bill passed by a majority of both houses be a law?” asked a Congressman. “No, that wasn’t rhetorical, I’m new here and not sure how this whole thing works. They promised me all the booze I could drink and women? Is that- oh, that’s the other room. Gotcha.”

“This is proof that Obama hates America!” screamed a conservative. “He’s practically saying he wants rich people to be eaten alive by a million wasps!” He slammed his fists on his teak wood desk, adding, “we need to rise up and overthrow our oppressors! No, that’s not racist, I was- come on, guys, how was that racist? Fine, I give up.”

The Executive Branch also veto’d “last year’s election”, “prosperity” and “anything that the other party is for. Why? Because we have to look like we’re different even though we’re both for bigger government. Yeah, mostly because it personally enhances our lives. We’re this honest because you can’t do anything to stop us. Also, you’re a moron.”

“This means war,” said a Canadian oil tycoon. “We’re going to write a strongly worded message to the President, then ship our oil using the thirty-something pre-existing oil pipelines that are already built through America. Sorry if that was a little stern. Sorry.”

Post Office To Screw New People

Washington DC – The US Postal Service proposed slight increases for mailing postcards and international letters, but wants to leave first-class “Forever” stamps at their present forty nine cents. “It’s time we squeeze the last twelve people who use our services,” said a high-ranking postal worker. “Those bastards are gonna pay for relying on us!” After a long cackle he looked at his watch, and ...

Two Time Failure Fails To Run

San Francisco, CA – After a three-week flirtation with another run for president, Mitt Romney said definitively that he will not seek the White House in 2016. “He’s out,” said an insider at the Romney camp. “Unless it looks bleak, then he’s not. But he’s seriously done, until the day that he announces he’s running. So…” She pointed to a room full of Romney 2016 ...

Politician Arrested For Being Corrupt, Bringing Sand To Beach

Albany, NY – Assembly Speaker Silver, the longtime Albany power broker, surrendered today to face multimillion dollar federal corruption charges. “It’s time we clean up New York,” said a New York Deputy Attorney General. “So, we’re starting at the top of the list. This guy’s been up to no good since the 60s, and it’s ...

Guy Talks, Nation Listens, Nothing Changes

Washington DC – President Obama spent much of last night’s State of the Union calling for civility in politics, then taunted Republicans over his two election victories, after many of them applauded the looming end of his political career. “It’s important to remember who the finger pointers are,” said a White House insider. “They are. ...

White House Lifts Cuba Ban, Congress Politely Applauds, Checks Their ID Badge, Curses

Washington DC – The Obama administration is putting a large dent in the US embargo against Cuba, significantly loosening restrictions on American trade and investment. “I mean, who’s gonna stop us?” argued a White House officer. “Congress? The people? The answer is no one. No one is gonna stop us. So, then the question becomes, ...

White House Pushes For Cyber Security, Cyberers Push For Less White House Intrusion

Washington DC – President Barack Obama made a renewed push for cybersecurity legislation, asking the new Congress to revive an initiative stalled over the past few years. “Laws will fix the problem!” said a White House insider. “Our laws. No, we don’t need Congress to approve anything. We’ll just tell businesses who use technology to ...

Millions Die In First Hours Of Texas Lifting Cupcake Ban

Austin, TX – The incoming Texas Agriculture Commissioner decreed he’s granting amnesty for cupcakes in the state’s schools. “It’s time we take back our schools from the queen!” screamed an Agriculture undersecretary. “We will not be forced to eat beets or kale!” He fired several shots into the air, screaming, “cupcakes for all free thinking ...