Popcorn Delivers Buttery Goodness, Death

New York, NY – According to a warning letter to federal regulators from a doctor at a leading lung research hospital, consumers may be in danger from fumes from buttery flavoring in microwave popcorn.

“Anything that isn’t picked right from the ground and eaten is bad for you,” said a scientist to a crowd at Gen Con. “No, Twinkles are made in a factory. No, deviled ham is not natural. Do you people really eat that stuff? I don’t know what that meant, but I’m assuming ‘wookie’ refers to your genitalia?”

“Just don’t breathe when you’re within three miles of a store which carries the product and you’ll be fine,” said a member of Don’t Sue Doctors, We’re Trying To Help You Bastards (DSD,WTWHYB) as he performed a sidewalk tracheomety. “I bet this guy’s first words are ‘you’ll hear from my lawyer.’ Watch. Oh, errr, we should go, before someone finds the body.”

Other snack food warnings include “don’t mash up a bag of pretzels, stick the bag over your head and breathe deeply”, “stay away from anything that has a commercial where a kid yells ‘radical!’” and “don’t eat baby carrots: it’s cruel.”

“As we discover how the food industry is killing us, I think it’s important to remember we can always firebomb the [expletive deleted] out of them,” said researcher and anarchist Howard Barraclough. “It’s our right to kill those who try to kill us so this is all legal self-defense. Pretzel?”

Report filed by Editor at 1:09 pm