Washington DC – President Obama announced that he now supports same-sex marriage, reversing his longstanding opposition amid growing pressure from the Democratic base and even his own vice president.
“We will actively pass as many laws as we can to help with same sex marriage,” said a White House official. “And all we ask for this is life-long fidelity. Swear it now and we will change the world. What? We can’t pass laws? And it’s a well-established state’s issue? No matter, you swore for eternal hope. Your soul is ours!”
“This is fantastic!” said a gay man. “Wait, what did he say, exactly? That we should be able to marry or that we should have the right to marry? What the [expletive deleted]? So he just gave his two-day ‘evolved’ opinion, which is still watered down? Ugh, I’m only donating a hundred dollars to him this week.”
The Office of the Vice President called the news “startling”, “so it wasn’t a gaff? Seriously?” and “okay, cool. Looks like we’re not the worst Veep. Take that, Mondale! He was so gay. Wait, that came out wrong.”
“It’s groundbreaking in the sense that no sitting President has ever taken a stand on a social issue,” said a political analyst. “But as far as change goes, this does nothing. Well, it gets him a few million more in donations, so I guess; mission accomplished?”