West Palm Beach, FL – A burgeoning population of huge pythons, many of them pets that were turned loose by their owners when they got too big, appears to be wiping out large numbers of raccoons, opossums, bobcats and other mammals in the Everglades.

“Stop flushing your pets,” said a West Palm Beach official. “Why do I have to come up here every month and tell you to stop flushing your pets? Seriously. This is the last time I’m doing this. Don’t ever flush your pets. Why are most of you looking down. Look up here! Don’t flush your pets. Don’t. Got it? Seriously.”

“So that’s where all them things have gone,” said pet shop proprietor Dan ‘Big Dan’ Vickers. “I thought them snakes was just made into boots or meat or somethin’.” He spat into a water-bottle before adding in a very English accent, “I’m just kidding, I really don’t speak like a local hick. And it’s Daniel, not Dan.”

Computer programmers called the news “totally not true”, “sure, python is powerful, and quite versatile, but it can’t kill anything” and “why do we get the feeling that we’re working off of two different scripts?”

“What’s died?” repeated a Ranger. “Nothing really. I mean, things die all the time from pythons, but there’s no uptick in those deaths. Is that why you’re here? Umm, don’t you know there’s an election happening today? Well then I suggest you get back to work, mister.”