London, UK – The eighty five year old Queen of England marked her Diamond Jubilee anniversary with a message thanking the British people for their support, and pledging to continue her dedication to serving them and people around the world.

“When will her brutal dictatorship end?” shouted a diplomat to the UN Security Council. “She has held on to control for sixty years, crushing their ambition and keeping them from proper dental hygiene.” He pointed to the resolution before the Council and added, “it’s time for a regime change. It’s time we save the toothless people of England.”

“She will rule for another hundred years,” said the leader of the immortals. “Then she shall return to the core of the Earth, where she shall sleep for a thousand years to regenerate and ready herself for phase three. Immortals forever!”

Congress called the celebration “needlessly exorbitant”, “in these times of economic uncertainty, why spend any money on the public. Just spend it on yourself” and “it looks like we’re not so different after all. Say, let’s bomb the [expletive deleted] out of Syria, for old times’ sake.”

“Yeah, we like the Queen and all,” said a British citizen. “I mean, she does a good job and all, what with making the laws and ruling on court cases.” After we asked if that was true he added, “it could be. You have no idea how any government works outside of your own mess. Okay, then tell me what a Prime Minister does? Right, then shut up.”