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10

Bible Might Be True

Tel Aviv, Israel – A bundle of new discoveries on a rocky hill in Israel has Biblical historians claiming they’re one step closer to proving the Bible is true.

“If they prove the Bible is true, then we’re finished!” exclaimed a nervous scientist. “The whole point of science is to make a logical and mathematical argument that imitates the Lord’s creation. If they can confirm the Bible, well, we’re sunk. I guess we could take these sodium amytal pills- I mean, devil pills, and end it all.”

“It’s not really true,” said an angel in a dream. “A lot of His words were dismissed as heretic rants from religious ‘authorities.’ For starters, the whole church thing is wrong. The Kingdom of God is inside each and every- hold on. Why is Kate Upton here? Oh, I see.”

Religious scholars call the claim “justification”, “not for religion, but for our career choice” and “we’re no longer losers who couldn’t pick a major, but those who live to spread God’s message. Which, if you believe the Bible, is love. Or, if you believe other parts, is that you can kill those who don’t believe. Or other things. It’s a big book.”

“Let’s say they can ‘prove’ the Bible,” said a skeptic. “So what? Those who believe, will still believe and those who don’t will still be skeptical. And all you can prove is some guys wrote down some stuff. That’s not proving anything. Sorry, but this whole thing is stupid.”

Some Of The World Believe The World Will End

Cairo, Egypt – According to a new poll, nearly fifteen percent of people worldwide believe the world will end during their lifetime and ten percent think the Mayan calendar could signify it will happen in 2012. “You can’t deny the facts,” said a US official. “One: the Mayans predicted this. Two: it’s happening, the proof is everywhere. Three: everyone knows it. Four: we’re running out ...

Nuns Told To Keep Mum, Chaste

Chicago, IL – A prominent US Catholic nuns group said it was “stunned” that the Vatican reprimanded it for spending too much time on poverty and social justice concerns and not enough on abortion and gay marriage. “They have no right to say anything about anything!” shouted a top Vatican official. “I knew we shouldn’t have let women join back in 270.” He bared his ...

Americans Shun Religion For Fast Food, Fast Cars, Things That Matter

New York, NY – A new study shows nineteen percent (19%) of all Americans spurn organized religion in favor of a nondefined skepticism about faith. “We’re saddened by this development,” said a top White House aide. “Mostly because we spend a ton of money convincing the religious crazies that we care about their insane interpretation ...

Science Really Has A Burr In Their Saddle About Religion

Tel Aviv, Israel – Archaeologists working in Jerusalem claim that a discovery they made inside a burial tomb, dating back to the time of Jesus Christ, could shed new light on the origins of Christianity. “This could be the one!” exclaimed archeologist Dr. Barry Neilman. “We could finally prove that Jesus was just a dude. ...

Church “Fake” Kidnaps Teens, “Fake” Converts Them, “Fake” Makes Them Kidnap Others

Harrisburg, PA – A southeastern Pennsylvania church subjected members of a youth group to a mock kidnapping and interrogations without telling them it was staged. “Oh, relax,” said Pastor Bill [last name not given]. “We’re kidnapping them for Christ, which is the second best reason to kidnap someone.” He looked around before leaning in and ...

Church Puts Bad Priest On Leave, Keeps Really Bad Priests Active

Vatican City, Vaticadia – The Roman Catholic archdiocese reports a priest who denied communion to a lesbian at her mother’s funeral has been placed on leave. “God, why do you guys have to report on everything we do?” asked a priest. “We’re the most powerful organization in the world, we don’t have to answer to ...

Afghans Religiously Dissed, Emotionally Pwnd

Washington DC – Troops on the US’s largest base in Afghanistan have inadvertently burned Korans and other religious materials, triggering angry protests and fears of even larger demonstrations as news of the burning spreads. “They’re worked up because we burned a book?” asked a top US General. “They haven’t found about about the massive killings ...
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