Columbus, OH – A new study finds that religious people tend to feel better about themselves and their lives, but this may only hold in places where everyone else is religious.

“We thought it was odd too,” said a researcher. “Applying science to religion. But it turns out, these two have nothing in common.” He looked at his noted and added, “I don’t know why I phrased it like that. Can we start over? Come on, just don’t print this part. Jesus, what’s wrong with you? Are you from the [Orlando] Sentinel?”

“Of course I feel better,” said religious woman Harriet Charles. “I am completely blameless for my life. It’s God who’s pulling the strings, not me. I don’t have to worry about any of my decisions, as they’re God’s.” She took a sip of ice tea and added, “and as long as I cram this down everyone else’s throats, I’m happy. God bless!”

The National Association of Religions called the study “proof that those atheist bastards were wrong”, “yes, we know they’re part of the association as atheism is also a religion” and “well the world is a complex place, deal with it. Now, who’s turn is it for [daily] prayers? Methodist? Ewwww, fine.”

“I feel fine,” said a man who declined to say if he was religious or not. “And quite frankly, it’s none of your business what I do in my personal life. Who goes around telling people they’re happy because of their beliefs? Sounds pretty insecure. Oh, and hail Satan.”