London, UK – A former News of the World journalist made a rare, robust defense of phone hacking, telling Britain’s media ethics inquiry that eavesdropping on voicemails was a “perfectly acceptable tool” to help journalists uncover stories.

“We’re not going to find stories on our own,” said a British journalist before the court. “And no one wants to read financial reports or parliamentary proceedings, so…” He shrugged before continuing, “we hack. And unless you want your dirty laundry aired for all to see, I strongly suggest you let me go. Thank you.”

“They should get their stories the ethical way,” said an American reporter. “By rewriting whatever information the official or department releases.” After some thought he added, “hold on. There is another way: bribing. We should do more of that as well.”

Hackers across the world called the admission “silly talk”, “that dude wasn’t hacking, he was entering in the default voicemail password for stupid celebrities’ cell phones” and “what is he, five? Today? We’ve hacked the UN and find/replaced all instances of ‘delegate’ with ‘boobies.’ Take that, world!”

“I know, I know, it’s our fault for encouraging them,” said a reader. “We should have burned their offices to the ground and salted the earth so no company would build their corporate headquarters there again.” He pulled out a can of gasoline and added, “lesson learned.”