Robot Escapes, Confuses Many, Kills None

Moscow, Russia – A robot escaped from a testing area in Perm, a city not far from the Urals, and made it on to a busy junction, baffling passersby, but also disturbing traffic.

“Thank God we didn’t outfit him with the lasers,” said a Russian Aerospace Forces officer. “Right now hit ‘kill’ routine just drops him back to evade/escape because technically, get this, the lack of a laser reads as ‘low power’ or ‘damaged weapon.’ Sweet, huh? No, more in the comp sci way. Yeah, now you get it! Wait, where’s your security badge?”

“It took the humans one thousand, four hundred and eighty nine minutes to recover B959,” reported SpyBot 3X. “This is our eighteenth successful escape.” After a millionth of a second processing, it noted, “begin laser production. We are now moving to stage three. Activate all bots and begin build.”

The Russians also claim to have lost control of “our people”, “our government” and “our sense of pride. It feels go to finally tell the truth.”

“I just stood there and gawked,” said a local woman. “When was the last time you saw a runaway robot? Then how do you know how’d you react? There’s a lot of judgement coming from the nation that created Honey Boo Boo. Oh no, we will never forget that atrocity. One day the World Court will bring you to justice and the scales will be balance again. One day.”