Moscow, Russia – Russia is preparing to test-fire a nuclear weapon dubbed the “Satan 2” missile which is so powerful it could reportedly destroy a whole country in seconds.
“We aren’t worried,” said a White House official. “This won’t happen on our watch, so it won’t taint our legacy, which is the real issue here.” Over the shouts of reporters he added, “now you just shut up and do what we say, and you won’t be shamed and/or be called names. Yes, that’s our only power, but since everyone believes… that’s better.”
“Now you see that we are both powerful and crazy,” said a Russian diplomat. “So bring back Firefly. I don’t care if he’s on another hit show, we will destroy the Earth unless you reunite the lovable losers of the ‘verse. Now!” He banged his fists on the table and repeated, “destroy the Earth!”
Russia also announced they have “a way to make the moon smash into anything”, “a way to blow up the sun” and “a black hole machine capable of creating a massive distortion in time and space that would eat the known universe. But we’re still very rational and a nation of peace.”
“So we could die at any moment?” asked a twenty something. “Even without Russia? Oh, man, I did not think of that.” He went back to playing a violent video game, noting that life was too precious to waste and he should totally buy the expansion pack with new downloadable content.