Russian Hackers Breach DNC Network, Realize Letting Them Eat Themselves Was Best Move

Denver, CO – The Democratic National Committee’s computer network was breached by a Russian government cyber operation that has had access to the group’s communications and databases since at least last summer.

“This is why we’re losing!” yelled a Democrat. “Not because we took a hard ideological stance, pushing an agenda most people don’t want, refusing to work or compromise and then calling everyone who doesn’t agree with us names! It’s because of the Russians. Well, and the Republicans who we all know are killing poor babies. Right? Them? Right?”

“Now we can figure out how American politics work and the best way to exploit- oh Jesus! No! No, no, no, no, no! How is this possible? This can’t be how- oh no! No! Dear God, no! This is an absolute mess!” yelled a hacker before slamming his laptop shut and curling into a ball on the floor. After hours of rocking back and forth, he whispered, “never again.”

The GOP called the hack “insulting”, “why don’t they want to hack us? We’re just as important” and “oh, wait, right. The whole candidate thing. Yeah, sorry about- shut up, we’re apologizing! We’re so, so sorry that- what? How many ‘so’s? Come on, that’s way too many. Fine. We’re so to the eighteenth power sorry.”

“Come on, we hack everything American,” said a Russian official. “That’s how we won. Oh, you haven’t told your people? Oh, so sorry to be spoiler alerting you then.” He laughed as he walked away, leaving us with a very uneasy feeling.