Moscow, Russia – A military court convicted a Russian officer of passing missile secrets to the CIA and sentenced him to thirteen years in prison.

“You are hereby sentenced to ‘prison’,” said a scowling Russian judge as he banged his gavel. “And the court would like to enter into the record that ‘prison’ should be in air quotes, with a wink and a nod to the horrible deflowering this man will received again and again until we loses the will to live, only to be revived and then deflowered again. Dismissed!”

“Woah, sorry about that,” said top CIA officer Trent Flash. “I didn’t know they’d catch us. You know, I never got the point of hiding in plain view. Seems like they could just watch you do illegal things and then nab you. Well, stereotypes exist for a reason. You know.”

The UN called the conviction “none of our business”, “that’s kinda a light sentence for treason” and “honestly, we have a lot to worry about than the internal justice of a sovereign state. Now, let’s get back to changing the fundamental government structure of Syria.”

“In what country would selling secrets be okay?” asked a Russian. “Because I wanna go there.” He looked around before whispering, “it really sucks here. Can you get me across the border?”