Moscow, Russia – After more than two decades of drilling in Antarctica, Russian scientists have reached a gigantic freshwater lake hidden under miles of ice for some twenty million years.

“We found water under ice!” shouted a Russian scientist. “Okay, when I say it like that it doesn’t sound cool, but trust me, it’s cool.” He pointed to the ice and said, “that’s super old water down there. We discovered water! Okay, again, that didn’t sound that great but… ummm, excuse me.”

“Those diabolical bastards,” said a top Pentagon official. “They knew exactly where to hit us: in the deep Antarctic fresh-water research and development department. How did they know that was our one weak spot?” He pulled his sidearm and pointed it at intern Danny Feildburg. “Unless we have a spy!”

National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) called the drilling “totally illegal”, “a great way to awake the Kraken” and “trust us, you do not want to bring that thing’s fury onto yourself. It’s so unrelenting it’s ridiculous.”

“This can only be bad,” said a man in America. “I mean, why else would they report on it?” He looked around before whispering, “have you considered the fact that they’re using this water as a biological weapon against the US? Think about it: Putin is returning to power, the Russians are against us in Syria… it all adds up.”