Washington DC – Federal weather statistics show unseasonable weather pushed last month to the fifth warmest April on record worldwide.
“For some unexplained reason this past April was the hottest on record,” said a Yosemite Park Ranger. “We can’t figure out why. And why are we having all this seismic activity? And the change in migratory patterns?” He shrugged before adding, “super weird.”
“The proof we’ve been looking for all this time!” exclaimed a protestor. “It was right under our noses! Global warming is true, all thanks to this one slice of data! That means everyone must stop doing everything and live like it was 1850. What? I can’t vote? Fine.”
A spokesdemon for Hell called the weather “an unintended side-effect”, “yes, if you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture” and “we look forward to torturing you for a thousand years. No, you weren’t saved because you assumed Jesus didn’t like gays. How to you reconcile the idea of an all loving-God with a God who hates gays and starts wars? No, you’re missing the point, it’s about- you know what? I’m not having this conversation with you right now.”
“If you look at one month out of eighteen hundred, then yes, things are changing,” said a statistician. “If you look at one month out of the history of the Earth, or one in fifty four billion, then no, things aren’t changing. I guess it really depends on you. Yes, you.”
