{ Feb }
22

God Goes ‘Pssssht’ After Scientists ‘Discover’ Watery Planet

Space – Scientists have discovered a new type of alien planet, a steamy waterworld that is larger than Earth but smaller than Uranus.

“We’ve done it!” shouted a scientist to the press corp. “We’ve finally found a planet!” He looked down at his notes then added, “okay, this isn’t the first one. But it’s the first one with water!” After checking his notes again he added, “okay, that’s not true either. To be honest, I’ve called you all here today so you will accept the Lord as your personal savior.”

“Are they looking now?” asked space alien Fli Ter’bap to his second mate Yni Sa’Ji’Plll. “No, don’t look. Just tell me when they’re looking. Are they looking now? Well are they- oh my God. They’re looking. Act cool. What are you doing with your tentacles? Act cool!”

NASA called the discovery “tiresome”, “are we going to puff out our chests and parade around the observatory every time we find a new planet?” and “well then, we’re all going to need new sneakers. We’ll be submitting a revised budget in two weeks.”

“What does this mean for me, the average American,” shouted a man as he stuck his head out of the sunroof of a limo. As he sped away he shouted, “I really don’t care, I just made a few million by selling an app that does something seven other apps sell. I’m the greatest… [too faint to hear]“

Iceland’s Ice Monster Nothing More Than Ice Monster Caught In Net

Reykjavik, Iceland – Further information about the “river monster” seen in a video from Iceland has led to the likeliest explanation for the snake-shaped phenomenon: it’s a fishing net. “What?” shouted a scientist. “How could you say that? Have you seen the video? It looks like an ice monster. Look at it! There’s no need for any sort of thinking or deductive reasoning, I mean, ...

Russians Drill Into Twenty Million Year Old Lake To Ice Fish, Awake Piast

Moscow, Russia – After more than two decades of drilling in Antarctica, Russian scientists have reached a gigantic freshwater lake hidden under miles of ice for some twenty million years. “We found water under ice!” shouted a Russian scientist. “Okay, when I say it like that it doesn’t sound cool, but trust me, it’s cool.” He pointed to the ice and said, “that’s super old ...

Scientists Call Things Beyond Our Solar System Are Different, Strange, Gross

Space – A glimpse beyond our solar system reveals the neighborhood just outside the sun’s influence is different and stranger than expected. “It’s almost as if things out there are being controlled by an omnipotent being who sees all time as a single point,” said a scientist. “Further evidence suggests that that being sent some ...

Super Earth Discovered, Overdeveloped, Abandoned

Space – A potentially habitable alien planet, one that scientists say is the best candidate yet to harbor water, and possibly even life on its surface, has been found around a nearby star. “Pack your bags, we’re getting off this sinking ship!” shouted a top Washington official. “We can finally create a utopian society, where ...

Booze Extends Your Life, Makes It Awesomer

Austin, TX – Scientists have surprisingly discovered that a mere trace of alcohol doubles the lifespan of a tiny worm that has become a workhorse in biochemistry laboratories around the world. “Well, one night we were having cocktails- yes, in the lab. Anyway, we were drinking in the lab and Dr [Debra] Raughtill kicked over ...

The Sun Is Re-Exploding Again

Space – The US Space Weather Prediction Center says the strongest geomagnetic storm in more than six years is forecast to hit Earth’s magnetic field today and could affect airline routes, power grids and satellites. “We’re positive that no one will lose their skin,” said a top NASA official. “Not that it’s happened before, but ...

The Ninth Warmest Year Is Proof That We’re Well On Our Way To Cannibalism

Washington DC – NASA scientists announced the global average temperature last year was the ninth-warmest in the modern meteorological record, continuing a trend linked to greenhouse gases that saw nine of the ten hottest years occurring since the year 2000. “Today, the twentieth of January, at nine something in the morning,” began a scientist. “We ...
Science Archives