Chicago, IL – The maverick scientist who became a guru to the environmental movement with his “Gaia” theory of the Earth as a single organism, has admitted to being “alarmist” about climate change and says other environmental commentators were as well. “We all knew it was bull[expletive deleted],” said a bloated elder American statesman. “But ...

Seattle, WA – The director of the Center for Sensorimotor Neural Engineering at the University of Washington says if we used only ten percent (10%) of our brains, we’d be brain dead. “The brain is a mysterious thing,” said a researcher. “We shouldn’t try to figure it out using our brains, because, as everyone knows, ...

Chicago, IL – A new government study has found accidents in which drivers mistakenly hit the gas instead of the brake tend to involve older female drivers in parking lots. “Women can’t drive,” concluded a government scientist as he held up a beaker to the light. “See? This proves it.” He put down the cylinder, ...

Mars – Amateur stargazers have discovered an intriguing object jutting out from the surface of Mars: a perfectly rectangular, upright structure, found in NASA images of the Red Planet. “More proof that we were put here on Earth by aliens,” said a NASA official to the press corp. “Some people will call him God, but ...

Austin, TX – A great ball of fire streaked across the Texas sky during the daytime last week, much to the surprise of thousands of people who witnessed it. “We’ve never seen such a thing before,” said a Texas official. “Therefor, it’s the worst thing imaginable.” He cocked his shotgun and added, “and that means ...

New York, NY – Scientists are calling into question a study published last year that failed to find a link between cell phone use and brain tumors in children and teens. They say the study actually shows that cell phone use more than doubles the risk of brain tumors in children and adolescents. “What?” said ...

Dallas, TX – Tornado season is only just beginning, but already this year has seen dozens of destructive twisters from Illinois to Texas, where up to eighteen might have touched down in the Dallas-Fort Worth area yesterday. “As you can see, we’re devastated by the news,” said an AP reporter. “No deaths? Wow, just when ...

Lincoln, NE – A new study reveals that muscles in the upper face may divulge when people are not telling the truth. “Note that we didn’t say ‘lying’ but rather ‘not telling the truth’,” said a researcher. “When people accidentally make incorrect statements these muscles also twitch, which leads us to believe that there’s some ...