Washington DC – New studies paint an increasingly alarming picture, particularly for young children, about how dangerous industrial chemicals are being spread across big swaths of American cities and suburbs by what may seem an unlikely source, a type of asphalt sealer.

“We’ve been using this stuff for decades,” said a major sidewalk sealant representative. “And we’ve seen no adverse effects. Granted, we haven’t been looking for any adverse effects, but you get the picture.” After a shrug he added, “we need to make money and this is the best we could do.”

“Mommy, why am I dying?” asked little Joey from his hospital bed. “Is it because I touched a sidewalk?” Sadly, little Joey never heard his mother’s answer, as he died and went to hell because he was unbaptized by Mormons. The truth hurts, little Joey, the truth hurts.

The American Walking Association called the studies “very troubling”, “a horrible way to start the long weekend” and “you’ve got a lot of nerve, coming in here and ruining doughnut Friday. Yes, you can have a doughnut, just don’t touch the chocolate glazed, those are for Rebecca.”

“I’m sure it’s not that bad,” said a man. He looked down at his decaying hand and screamed, “when the [expletive deleted] did this happen? I just touched a sidewalk once! Just kidding, I got this in the Gulf.” After a long sigh he added, “totally not worth it.”