Space To Be X’d In Nine Years

Los Angeles, CA – SpaceX CEO Musk says if things go according to plan people will be on Mars just nine years from now.

“And, if things don’t go so well, we’re looking at a projected date of 2068,” said a company rep. “So, you know, maybe take the medium? I dunno, math isn’t our thing around here, we’re big picture people. Oh, by the way, we’ll definitely build a new Earth by 2022, give or take an eon or so.”

“Damn it!” said a Chinese Mars settler. “We won’t have our laser turret defenses ready until 2025. This is going to be a close call. Hold on, what if we increase drone replication for seven years and then build the turrets in…” He typed a few things in the air, then added, “oh, no, we’re cool. Get it your best shot. We sure will! Get it?”

NASA called the news “stupid”, “no, shut up! It can’t be done! Nine years? It took us thirty to build a freakin’ space station, and that’s- no! Shut up!” and “we’re done talking. Go ahead, do it yourselves, you’ll never reap the benefits that NASA could give you like… shut up!”

“At the end of the day, does it matter?” asked a skeptic. “It does? Well, then this plan is freakin’ awesome and I hope it happens!” He then finished out his day, rejuvenated with optimism from America’s private sector innovation.