Sacramento, CA – According to a letter state Controller, California will run out of cash by early March if the state does not take swift action to find almost three and a half billion dollars through payment delays and borrowing.

“If our predictions are correct, we’ll be killing each other for food by March,” said a state accountant. He then pointed to himself and added, “I hope that also explains the fatigues and wide array of guns at my desk. It does’t? Really? Because you really should be tying what I just said with the guns together to get a grim prediction. No? Hmm, how lean are you?”

“How did this happen?” said a governor’s aide to the press corp. “Who’s responsible for passing all of these bills? Damn it, we want answers!” He then pulled his jacket over his head and ran off the stage.

The letter continued “…other than that, things here are going pretty well. Missy is doing well, she dug up the garden last week and [wife] Karen was so mad she swore our next pet would be a parrot…”, “…we had a great brunch on Sunday at Elle’s. It was right on the water and Karen said she saw a dolphin…” and “…when it all melts down, we’re prepared for suicide. Love…”

“I’m sure they’ll just issue vouchers like last year,” said a candy vendor that has a contract with the state. “I’m not happy about it and I’m sure as heck ain’t gonna sign another contract with them, but there ain’t no use in gettin’ worked up. Candy bar?”