Seattle, WA – Starbucks plans to begin selling beer, wine and more upscale food in a small number of cafes in Atlanta and Southern California by the end of this year as it explores an expansion beyond morning coffee and afternoon pick-me-ups.

“We plan to inject booze to American culture just like we did with coffee,” said a company official. “We’ve applied the normal price hike, so a tall beer would be eight bucks, a grande vodka tonic would be twenty and a venti jello shot is sixty eight dollars. You’ll buy it because everyone else is.”

“This is a great way to introduce children to alcohol,” said a parent in her car. “With convenient, to-go cups, we can all enjoy a fun car ride to grandma’s house. Right, kids? Awww, look at them, all passed out. Maybe I’ll take a little nap too.”

The FDA called the move “not our problem”, “no, we don’t know who would regulate this sort of thing. Maybe Starbucks will?” and “yeah, they have a department in the government: the Department of Starbucks. They just got a fifty something billion dollar budget approved too. Guess they know how to get things done.”

“Finally, a place where I can easily order a drink,” said a drinker. “I don’t have to wait in liquor store lines or visit wineries. Why haven’t they thought of this before?”