Stem Cells Here! Get Your Stem Cells Right Here!

Atlanta, GA – A new study published yesterday finds hundreds of clinics advertising often unproved stem cell treatments for serious diseases such as muscular dystrophy, for autism and for cosmetic procedures such as face lifts and breast enlargements.

“Come on in and improve yourself, with yourself,” said a stem cell shop owner in a commercial. “That’s right, just a quick swab and we’re ready to inject you with things that will make you amazing. Hate things? We can fix them! Yes, all of them!” After flashing the address and phone number he quickly added, “stem cells may do nothing.”

“Look, we all know stem cells are going to slingshot us into the next stage of evolution,” said a man wearing a white lab coat. “Look, I’m no scientist, but I’ve eaten enough stem cells from scientists and we can all agree that I’m talking really fast and you’re unable to look away. Look, yes, you’re all going to die from my mad plan, but… sorry, I never knew how to exit. Bye?”

The study also noted “there’s no way to stop people from selling unproven stem cell treatments”, “this is surely the best case we can think of for vigilante justice” and “die, scientists, die!”

“Well, it looks like everything’s wrapped up for the long weekend,” said a reader. “Yep, nothing at all left to read.” He closed his browser, gathered his belongings, and went out to have a 4th full of memories.