Sacramento, CA – A new study on Morgellons, a disease where patients feel that tiny bugs are crawling on them, have oozing sores and mysterious fibers sprouting from their skin, revealed nothing, suggesting the disease is psychosomatic.

“Turns out people freak out a lot more these days,” said a researcher. “We never had this problem when we drafted kids to fight in pointless wars. So, big picture, we’re going to, if I may quote [head researcher Doctor Victor] Cthalis, ‘we’ll give them something to cry about.’” As he donned his brass knuckles he added, “let’s do this [expletive deleted].”

“It’s real!” shouted a woman in a cafeteria. “Look at these sores! Sure, they’re from scratching, from the bugs! Have you seen [popular daytime TV doctor show]? Or [past daytimeTV doctor show]? Or been online? There are bugs everywhere! Bugs! They’re in me now, millions of them.” When our reporter explained he was just here to eat lunch she shouted, “bugs!”

The study went on to conclude “if enough people have this, then it’s real”, “not the bug thing, but a shared social psychological breakdown” and “we strongly suggest the major placebo companies to ride this bubble for as long a they can. There’s a lot money to be made here. A lot.”

“I’ll tell you how I know it’s fake,” said a man as he scratched himself. “Because I read this story and instantly felt itchy. Can’t you feel something on you, something very, very small, right now? See? There really isn’t anything on you, but the idea is contagious.” We never told him that there was a rather large spider on him.