London, UK – A recent study published in a scientific journal found tat captive chimps and orangutans do show the same low ebb in emotional well-being at midlife that some studies find in people.
“We’re no better than chimps,” said a human scientist. “And to prove this point, I shall cite our sister study which proves flinging feces is more relaxing than twelve hours of quiet meditation.” He pointed to a huge barrel marked ‘feces’ and added, “try it! Great, right? Hey! The only rule is not in the face. No! Not in- get out!”
“You can’t draw those kinds of conclusions,” said an angel. “God made those animals as a kind of ‘test human.’ You know, a beta version. You guys are the real deal, don’t obsess over a pervious model.” He then flew away, adding, “we watch you when you go to the bathroom!”
The study went on to conclude “most teenaged chimps didn’t ask to be born”, “most twenty-something chimps would rather move back in with their parents than forage for food” and “the whole thing is just plain creepy.”
“Yeah, but can a chimp do this?” said a middle-aged man as he finished his morning paperwork. “Well, maybe they could after a few days of training, but does he want to? Granted, I don’t want to, but that’s a whole other… oh my God, I’m going to die at this desk! Get me outta here!”