Berkley, CA – According to a commentary in the current issue of the journal Nature, sugar and other sweeteners are, in fact, so toxic to the human body that they should be regulated as strictly as alcohol by governments worldwide.

“Sugar is fifty times as addictive as alcohol,” said a scientist. “It’s a hundred times more damaging than meth and seven thousand times worse than AIDS. In other words, it’s the prefect drug.” He snorted a long line of white powder, jumped up and down a few times and then added, “sugar!”

“What?” said a major cereal producer. “If we knew that we’d never include it in such large amounts in our product. We always thought kids craved our cereal because of our ad campaigns, our enthusiastic animated creatures and our decision to use whole-grains. I’m shocked and disappointed by today’s youth.”

The American Sugar Council called the commentary “slanderous”, “Big Sugar will not stand for this. We will lobby Congress to renew the (1975) Sugar Act mandating all food produced in the US will contain at least forty three percent sugar” and “suck it, National Vegetable Commission!”

“How bad could it be?” asked an adult. “I grew up eating sugar and I turned out just fine.” He then looked at his watch, looked at it again and added, “you know, no matter how many times I check my watch, I still don’t remember the time. You don’t think… nah.”