Summer Temps Buck Cold Temp Expectations

Los Angeles, CA – If you live in Arizona, California or Nevada, watch out for temperatures as high as one hundred twenty degrees in the next few days.

“Be advised: it will be warm,” said a local official though a bullhorn. “So we’re outfitting all of our [police owned] tanks with water cannons instead of real cannons. Prepare to be blasted with kindness. Well, that and a thousand PSI of water pressure. Hold on, kids, we’re swinging the turret around right now!”

“But it’s summer!” yelled a woman. “It can’t be hot! That’s not a… hold on, let me just look up summer in Wikipedia. Okay. Huh. Always? Oh, but look, right now in Australia it’s… hold on, there’s another paragraph and… oh. Right, okay, that makes sense.” She then began to type, adding, “let me just fix this real quick.”

Scientists were quick to note “this is all because you don’t drive a Prius”, “sure, it costs more in carbon to make them, but the savings feels super real” and “moral superiority trumps actual action. No, that’s not an endorsement of a candidate, but it’s convenient that he can wedge himself into any conversation without paying, right? Hello?”

“These temps mean one thing and one thing only,” said summer school wild man Ian Steward as he pulled a super soaker from his bag on the second day of remedial Trig. “It’s time to get wild and- what? Sorry, Mr. Feldspar. Sorry. No, I’ll… sorry. Is it a cosine? Damn it.”