Super Earth Discovered, Overdeveloped, Abandoned

Space – A potentially habitable alien planet, one that scientists say is the best candidate yet to harbor water, and possibly even life on its surface, has been found around a nearby star.

“Pack your bags, we’re getting off this sinking ship!” shouted a top Washington official. “We can finally create a utopian society, where we rule over the masses, telling them exactly how to live every second of their lives. This is gonna be great!”

“We’re here to protest the destruction of the Super Earth’s endangered environment,” said protestor Stacy Fenton. “There is only one Super Earth and we have to protect it! We can’t touch a single blade of orange grass or kill a fire toad. I know they’re deadly, but they’re important to the ecosystem. No, I don’t feel silly, why do you ask?”

NASA scientists added, “if we can get you guys to get psyched about this, we can swindle you for another hundred trillion”, “yeah, the whole ‘build a space station’ was pointless, but it did create jobs” and “you know, deep down we’re all hustlers. Yes, even the white people.”

“Wait, how far away is this planet?” asked an Earthling. “And how long would it take to get there? How how far away are we from speed-of-light travel? And cryogenic freezing? So why the hell should I care?” After a long pause he added, “idiot.”

Report filed by Editor at 9:01 am