Tampa, FL – The United States Air Force’s secretive X-37B space plane has been circling Earth for more than ten months, and there’s no telling when it might come down.

“Yeah, it’s the greatest advance in military history,” said a top White House official. “I mean, we can literally cause an earthquake or flood and no one will ever know.” After a giddy laugh he added, “and no one reads your stupid news site, so no one will- what? How did you get that knife through security. Now no one will know that you- ow.”

“We can’t give out that information,” said a top Air Force Commander. “Where is it? We can’t give out that information. How long has it been up there? We can’t give out that information. What’s my name? We can’t give out that information. When’s the next bus to Fort Lauderdale? We can’t give out- oh. Eleven eighteen.”

The Pentagon called the report “totally false”, “that thing crashed on day two” and “you guys really have issues. The only way to keep our funding is to tell the truth. What’s wrong with you nerds?”

“I guess we’ll never know what that thing does,” said a guy in our office. “But who cares? Is it really effecting your day-to-day? It is? How? I don’t think not knowing is killing you. It is? Well maybe you should eat more salad. I know that has nothing to do with the spaceship, it’s just good advice.”