Supreme Court Rules Saturdays Are Awesome, Heathcare Law Is Okay Too

Washington DC – The Supreme Court upheld the vast majority of President Barack Obama’s historic health care overhaul, including the hotly debated core requirement that virtually all Americans have health insurance.

“Congress can finally tell everyone to do something and they have to do it!” shouted a Democratic Congressman. “We finally have absolute power! We- what? Then who’s in charge now?” He slowly dropped his hands and added, “ohhhhhhh [expletive deleted].”

“The Democrats are forcing you to take care of yourself!” shouted a Repbulican Congressman. “It’s our right, as Americans, to talk [expletive deleted], drive like crap, and binge until we die from heart disease. It’s our [expletive deleted]ing right!”

The Court also ruled “you dudes [and dudettes] voted for these guys. Don’t come running to us when you change your mind”, “once the mothership returns, we will leave this God-forsaken rock and return home” and “oh, yes, God is very real. Anyway, back to the ruling. Provision 24C, as stated…”

“I don’t like the idea of the government forcing me to buy something,” said a taxpayer. “But I do like the regulation on an industry that literally holds our lives in their hands. I never really sat down and thought about it, but I guess this is good. Cool.”