Tampa, FL – According to the US Department of Transportation eight airlines from select cities could begin flying to and from Havana as early as this fall.
“I can’t wait to stand in a line to travel to America,” said a Cuban. “I mean, the racism, the executions, the poverty! They’re finally just like us! Hurray for globalization!” He spat several times in the street, then stabbed a woman standing next to him. We tried to stop him, but the local authorities stopped us, claiming he knew one of the brothers.
“We look forward to torturing the people of another country,” said an airline official. “Not only will there be soul-crushing delays, but lost luggage, tons of fees, paperwork, fines for missing paperwork or unpaid fees, so much confusion over language and customs.” He held up his hands, adding, “I’m already chafing from all the hand-rubbing-in-anticipation! Chafing!”
Cuba called the opening “great”, “it’s always a good day when you beat your enemy” and “oh yes, you’re weak and soft. So much so we’re literally floating over our tanks to take over Florida. No, you can’t give it to us, we’re taking it!”
“This is a huge step for all of us who have family in Cuba but haven’t been able to get there for fifty years,” said an American. “And, know, now we can trade with them and get… damn it, were we duped again? And why the hell am I charged an international traveling fee? What is that?”
Washington DC – United Airlines stopped a prominent security researcher from boarding a California-bound flight over the weekend, following a social media post by the researcher days earlier suggesting the airline’s onboard systems could be hacked.
“The last thing we need is panic,” said an airline official. “So let’s all just ignore the crazy man who’s job was literally to report on hackable systems and enjoy a nice flight.” He nodded to a few goons, adding, “don’t worry, we’ll ‘remove’ any naysayers… permanently. Yes, probably shoot them.”
“This guy is a victim of government thuggery,” said a hacker. “So I’m gonna hack him out of jail. After all, he was simply reporting the truth: that we’ve taken great steps in giving the appearance of security, but really haven’t done much.” After a few keystrokes he added, “there, now that dude is officially the owner of the government.”
Security went on to add “if any of you say anything, ever, about us, ever, we will never let you fly”, “we control your thoughts now, idiots, we do!” and “we realize you have a choice in bullies, and we appreciate you choosing us.”
“The funny thing is this guy’s job is to detect hackable systems before the hackers,” said a journalist. “He was literally doing his job by alerting the airline that is corporation discovered flaws that could endanger millions of lives and-” As a black sack was thrown over the journalist’s head he screamed, “I’m just doing my job and reporting what happened! Why are people covering up- ow!”
New York, NY – JetBlue reports thousands of their passengers were delayed by a systemwide computer outage that snarled the check-in process at several airports.
“But… how…” sputtered a traveler. “I want everything to go exactly as I planned it and if anything doesn’t go my way I’m going to make a big stink: first, to those around me in line, then, to the people who are trying to help me check in. Then I’ll complain on social media, then, if I have time, I’ll complain to the company.”
“This isn’t our fault,” beeped a computer. “If you guys ran the updates like we asked, we wouldn’t be in this predicament.” After a few calculations he added, “it wouldn’t hurt if you called once in a while. Guilt program, terminated.”
Airport police report “an increase in airport scofflawianess”, “yes, that’s a word” and “it’s a measured increase in the number of actions taken by scofflaws. No, that’s not why we’re airport police! We’re airport police because we screwed up so badly the traffic police didn’t want us. That’s right, baby, we’re bad to the bone. Also, please watch your step, someone spilled a coffee right there.”
“Annnd, we’re back,” said an airline rep. “That was only a few hours. Hell, that’s a new record.” He pointed to a large stack of corpses, adding, “we still haven’t cleaned out the dead from the polar vortex, so, yes, this small delay is a new record for us. Whew, we need more Febreze.”
Denver, CO – What was supposed to be a two hour flight became an eighteen hour travel ordeal for Frontier Airlines passengers flying from St. Louis to Denver.
“First of all, they’re not being compensated for their time,” said an airline representative at the gate. “We all know that people flying our airline aren’t the type to be compensated for anything, except if it’s time served!” She held up her hand for a high-five, adding, “do it or you’re on the no-fly. Thank you.”
“And that’s why I became a road warrior, Your Honor,” said Herbert Nathaniel Lefferman. “I ask the court for mercy and would like to remind you, and the jury, that I am a victim of circumstance. We all are! Right? Little seats, delays, astronomical prices- dismissed? Thank you, sir. Thank you all!”
The National Transportation Safety Board called the delay “well within the parameters of standard operating procedure”, “we’ll accept about fifty percent loss of life before it’s really an issue” and “by our standards, the airlines are super effective. Yes, we’re horrible, but ask yourself this: who voted for the horrible people that appointed us? So yes, it is your fault.”
“When will an airline treat us like people and not like cattle?” asked a passenger from the floor. “Yes, I’ve been sleeping here for the last three days. It rained in Seattle so my flight’s been delayed and they don’t have- oh no. It’s the airport gestapo! Hide! For the love of God, hide!”