Iran To EMP US

Los Angeles, CA – A secret Iranian military document reveals a plan to attack the US electrical grid with an electromagnetic pulse.

“This way, we can take the city intact,” said an Iranian ‘diplomat.’ “You understand, yes? Your people will riot, yes, and many thousands will die, but once the executions begin, you will be helpless, yes? Gun laws in California say no guns, no? So then you’re done, yes? Yes.” He drew his weapon, adding, “you’re my prisoner now, yes? Good.”

“We gotta stop telling people we’re intercepting secret memos,” said a high-ranking CIA agent. “Then again, I shouldn’t be giving the press interviews in one of our underground, secret jails.” He pointed to a few prisoners, adding, “and I shouldn’t let you see these guys or tell you their execution dates. Tomorrow, by the way. Turns out they really were tourists and not spies. Go figure, right?”

The Iranians also plan to “blow up a volcano and blacken the skies of America”, “destroy the San Andreas fault and drop California into the ocean” and “cut off Florida and float it out to sea.”

“Can I make an EMP?” asked a MIT student. “Yes. Should I? Probably not. Are the plans available on-line? You bet they are. So are we safe? No. Not at all.” He shook his head and whispered, “not at all.”

Eleven Tons of Bomb-Making Materials Seized On Pakistan Border, Fifty Billion Tons To Go

Kabul, Afghanistan — Afghanistan’s government announced a truck carrying nearly eleven tons of a bomb-making chemical has been intercepted at the border with Pakistan.

“We’re happy to announce we figured out where all of those insurgents are getting their bomb-making materials,” said an Afghan official. “Now all we have to do is convince them that we know what we’re doing, we’re capable of doing it, and what we want to do is good for them.” He took a long sigh, adding, “so, no one wants to blow me up right now? Put me out of my misery? No one? Fine, I’ll get to work.”

“Damn!” said a Pakistani general. “I mean, I still get to keep the money, right? Can someone get the contract and see if we keep the money or- we do? Great! Then hurray!” He fired his rifle into the air a few times, then added, “let’s get some Dominoes! What, it’s the best pizza? Oh, don’t get all high and mighty with me. Just… have you tried it recently? So good.”

The Afghan government also announced “we’ve discovered that clean water drinkers seem to live longer than dirt-water drinkers”, “the cake was, in fact, a lie” and “maybe this Jesus guy was onto something.”

“It’s progress,” said a State Department official. “And I’m not going to lie and say they’re in full control, but it’s a good sign. Now, I’ve answered your question, can you answer mine: how did you get in here?”

South Korea Realizes It Could Get Attacked From Neighbor North Korea

Seoul, South Korea – South Korea has determined that North Korea is capable of mounting a nuclear warhead on its medium-range Rodong ballistic missile, which could reach all of the South and most of Japan.

“Wait a minute,” said a high-ranking South Korean official as he looked at a map. “Are you telling me the North Korea we’ve been hearing so much about is literally just above us? The crazy dude with the nukes? He’s right there? Literally, a few kilometers away?” He shook his head, adding, “why hasn’t anyone told us? This is disastrous! They’re going to kill us all! Guys! Why aren’t we doing anything?” After standing around for a few more minutes he shrugged and got lunch.

“Oh, we’re well aware of the threat,” said a Japanese man. “It sorta turns us on.” After a very long pause he added, “aren’t you going to ask us why it- oh, okay. Is the interview over? Because I’d like to justify all sorts of fringe- okay. Good day to you as well.”

The UN called the realization “the third worst thing to happen this week”, “no one’s talked about the Syrian thing yet? Oh, good” and “you know most of the world’s leaders are taking untold trillions from the economy and using it for themselves, right? And no one’s mad or- hey, if you’re not mad, we’re not mad.”

“The real worry is if someone provides them with more technology that could allow them to strike at many nations at once,” said a Chinese official. “So, yes, I’d like you to pick up the lunch tab. Thank you.”

North Korea’s Win Is Our Loss, Japan’s Push, South Africa’s Fold

Seoul, South Korea – North Korea claimed it detonated a hydrogen bomb in a test today, a move that was condemned by the US, Britain, Japan and even China. It was the politically isolated country’s first nuclear weapons test explosion in three years.

“I can’t believe they actually did what they said they were going to do,” said a White House official. “That’s not how it’s supposed to work. Oh, come on, like… you don’t really expect… okay, but when we do something, you’re all…” He shook his head, adding, “you have to realize how frustrating it is to deal with people. Ugh, some days I wish we could just launch the nukes and be done with it. Questions?”

“Now we can destroy the world!” yelled a North Korean general. After some thought he added, “then again, if we destroy the world, where would we live. I mean, the Supreme Leader in his awesome power surely can’t create a world that- why is everyone drawing their guns? Oh, right, we live in a horrible, oppressive [tape abruptly ends]”

The UN called the test “our unconditional surrender”, “no, no, we stand by our surrender. Here, take it. All of it” and “come on, like anyone is willing to stand up to a rogue nation who- oh. Okay, Russia, we surrender to you then. Well played.”

“What does this mean for the balance of- oh, you answer that quickly,” said a woman. “I thought this would change the dynamic landscape of international- okay, you don’t have to be rude. No, I get it, you know stuff. Great. What does that do for you as- oh, shut up.”

North Korea “Develops” Hydrogen Bomb

Beijing, China – North Korea’s leader says his country has developed a hydrogen bomb, but senior defense and intelligence officials poured cold water on that claim in interviews with NBC News.

“It was developed in a dream by our fearless leader,” admitted a North Korean diplomat. “As he slept the pieces magically assembled and today we have a war machine that is unparalleled in range and power.” After a deep breath he added, “and everyone in North Korea believes this to be true, so it can’t just be the rantings of a lunatic. It can’t be.”

“They don’t have a hydrogen bomb,” said a CIA agent. “No, I’m not even a CIA agent and I know that. Well, yes, technically, that’s what CIA agents are trained to say because, let’s face it, the first rule of being in the CIA is never talk about the CIA. That is, if I were a CIA agent, which I’m not.”

South Korea called the claims “really scary”, “yo, they could totally go postal on us at any moment” and “when did you stop using the term ‘postal’? Oh. I thought all of your mindless workers were armed and angry. Then what is your new postal? Oh. Oh dear, you should really address that issue. That’s not good. Not good at all.”

“They don’t have that kind of technology,” said a White House official. “Take it from me, they’re small potatoes. Unless they really have it and bomb us, in which case I was just following talking points.”