Tampa, FL – According to satellite averages, this month was the second largest second month drop in global average satellite temperatures.
“If temps drop it means they have no where to go but up!” exclaimed a scientist. “Which means global warming is real! Which means we’re all doomed because of things we have no control over! Yes, I’m talking about China and developing country’s massive polluting and the destruction of forests in second and third world countries! Hey, can you put exclamation points at the end of everything I say? This way they’ll think I have a lot more energy than I really do! Energy!”
“That totally fits into what I’ve been posting!” said that Facebook friend that makes everything into a political argument. “We all know Bush’s illegal war contributed to global warming, which will raise the oceans by a few feet in a decade.” When we pointed out that the prediction was more than a decade old, she yelled, “corporate shill!”
NATO called the averages “attack worthy”, “nukable” and “let’s attack now, before we draft next year’s budget. Yes, mother, it’s always about the budget. Oh, like you’re keeping track. To war!”
“Well, looks like we’re all good here,” said a man. “Let’s get back to doing what we’re supposed to be doing, which was…” He looked at his watch, adding, “I’m sorry, I gotta just check Facebook and Twitter real fast before finishing this thought.” That’s exactly what he did.
Los Angeles, CA – An extreme heat wave will grip the southwestern United States through early week.
“We encourage everyone to stay inside and crank their air conditioners,” said a local official. “Until we have the inevitable power outage because we haven’t built a nuclear power plant since the 70s. Come on, people, they’re safe with power war tech so how could they not be safe with today’s tech. Huh, yeah, I guess removing them from the internet is the best failsafe out there. Huh? Yeah, way off course. Sorry.”
“This heat is oppressive!” yelled a protestor as she waved her ‘Don’t Heat On Me’ flag. “It’s time we stand up to the heat and…” She swayed, then collapsed. As other protestors tried to give her water she refused, citing the water company’s donations to political action committees that support a competing ideology.
Los Angeles officials also advise “be on the lookout for… everything. Yeah, we lost control again”, “watch out for officials. Those bastards will blow your money on the stupidest things and stiff press release writers” and “hey! We didn’t… well, just because it’s true doesn’t mean it has to be said. Okay, back to the release. Let’s see. Oh, right, here: I am a pervert. Wait a minute!”
“Yeah, that’s gonna happen,” said a sweaty man. “It’s the summer and Lord knows it gets hot in the summer. No, He does. Have you accepted Jesus- wait! Come back! I have to tell you how you’re doing it wrong! Stop!”
Des Moines, IA – There may be another reason to discourage farmers from feeding antibiotics to livestock: global warming.
“We need to stop farmers!” yelled a government official. “No, not with laws or regulation, but with cash incentives to not do what they do! It’s the only was to enforce laws. Oh, also, sorry, this totally slipped my mind, we’re giving drug dealers fifty grand a week to stop dealing. Well, to self-report that they’re stopped dealing.”
“You ain’t tellin’ me what to do,” said a farmer. “We take whatever we want: water, money, and yes, your women folk.” He pointed to his barn, adding, “I got me most of them housewives from that there television. Granted, a few of em died when me and the missus went on vacation. Oh yeah, flights to Bermuda are cheap right now.”
The USDA called the finding “disgraceful”, “harmful” and “we’re going to say whatever we can to look like we were on this whole ‘global warming’ thing and… whatever, just don’t cut our funding. Yeah, Look at NASA, they spoke their minds and got [expletive deleted]ed. True story, look it up.”
“Didn’t that fat politician tell us that we were going to be underwater in ten years?” asked a teenager. She looked around, then added, “then he’s a fat [expletive deleted]ing liar who got filthy [expletive deleted]ing rich on a hoax he invented. How [expletive deleted]ed up is that? Yeah, well you’re a [expletive deleted]ing chump.”
Los Angeles, CA – A new project called Climate Feedback, run by a French scientist living in California, has critiqued climate change stories in the New York Times, Rolling Stone, the Telegraph, Forbes magazine, the Wall Street Journal and more.
“These stories are wrong,” said a climate change fan(atic). “They need to be more jarring, more extreme, and more dire. There’s hardly a human face in this story! Where are the distressed indigenous people who live on the coastline for thousands of generations? Where are the poor farmer or fisherman? Why aren’t more companies being villainized? Disgusting.”
“All I wanted to do was put a critical eye on the feverish claims from scientists who are changing data-” said a researcher seconds before the firing squad shot six bullets into his heart. He tried to finish his thought, but it was muted under the blood flowing from his mouth. As his body was dragged away, another researcher was placed in the chair and he yelled, “why not apply science to-”
Other websites include revising “the discovery of the Americas, where the natives kill the horrible explorers”, “the civil war where the Democrats win and keep slavery” and “websites, so everything conforms to our extreme view.”
“Isn’t the point of science to challenge things?” asked a child. “And, like, shouldn’t we just evaluate the facts and not some computer adjusted number? Isn’t it okay to say that things change slowly, and still make your argument that we’re messing with the planet? Wow, that’s a lot of noes.”
Tampa, FL – According to a landmark study looking at three decades of data, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration’s reliance on poorly-sited weather stations to calculate surface temperatures is inflating the warming trend of the US and maybe even the rest of the world.
“Some government guy came down and said we should put the thermometer right in the hot spring,” said a dirty NOAA field agent. “Then he handed me a suitcase of cash. So yes, I am dirty in both senses.” He wiped his nose on his sleeve, adding, “oh, don’t worry, I can buy a thousand more jumpsuits. Well, nine hundred and fifty seven more. I’ve been splurging.”
“It’s all the proof you need,” said a White House official. “Wait, not proof as in proof that we were screwing around, proof that global warming is real. Okay, if it’s not real, then why did we make such a fuss about it in Paris. Yes, but ask yourself why we’re all in when it comes to climate change! No, not because we can’t say we made a mistake!”
The UN called the study “blasphemous”, “literally like killing God, that is, if he even existed in the first place” and “that’s right, the only law is the UN! We are in total control! Wait, our troops did what? Excuse us.”
“So how do you explain this crazy weather?” asked a guy in shorts. “It’s hot and it’s December. Yes, I know I’m in San Diego, but it’s freezing in Green Bay right now! Explain that! Oh, sure, latitude, right. What’s next, the Earth is tilted? What? Lies!”
New York, NY – Arctic air that has been locked up in Canada isn’t budging, making for record-high temperatures from the South through the Plains and into the Northeast.
“I should be complaining that it’s cold!” said an exasperated woman in shorts. “I should be standing here, shocked that it’s cold in December. Instead I’m standing here shocked that it’s not as cold. I mean, how could it not be cold? It’s December! Obviously this is because I drive a car. I’m such a jerk. But I still look good in shorts, right?”
“All these odd temps make me think we were right!” said a scientist. “Which makes me think I’m some sort of god. Well, let’s look at the facts: we changed numbers to make everything slightly warmer and now it’s slightly warmer. So why aren’t you bowing! Obey me, I am your god!” He then sneezed several times, adding, “wait, can God sneeze? Oh no. No!”
The Canadian Weather Service called the warmer weather “dangerous”, “the cold is the second point in our three point defense against the American invaders” and “oh yes, playing dumb is point three. No, we will never tell you what point one is. Okay, it’s nukes. So stay the [expletive delete] out of Canada! Sorry, but please, stay out.”
“When will this horror end?” asked a man. “I mean, that’s what I’d say if I lived in the area, but I don’t.” After a very long pause he asked, “is that… are you going to use that as my quote? Oh. That’s kinda weird though, right? I mean… okay.”
New York, NY – Why is it super warm right now? The answer is the polar vortex.
“Why is it so hot?” asked a scientist. “Why the polar vortex, of course. Look, it makes sense if you think of it like this: no matter what we say, or what the actual numbers show, the earth is changing because you drive a car. Now, what can we do about it?” As he drew a revolver from his lab coat he added, “I’m sorry, but this is the only way. I can’t let you kill us.”
“The numbers don’t lie,” said a White House official. “Well, our numbers don’t lie. And yes, we didn’t change them, that’s just a figure of speech. Yes, no we didn’t touch not a number, right? So just- no, shhhhhh. Shhhhhhhhh. Hush, baby, we know better and can fix all of your problems by changing your stupid, petty little lives. Shhhhhh.”
NASA called the warming “indicative of polar weather”, “come on, like anyone fact checks anything anymore” and “yo, even if they did, it’d just be spun. Yes, everything is politics. Shut up, we’re trying to get more space money for… you know. Whatever we waste our budget on. Space stuff.”
“The worst part about this is people are going to talk about stuff they have no idea about,” said a worried man. “And then some other people are going to argue another point about which they know nothing about. And I’m gonna have to sit here and resist the urge to bite off their heads. I guess that’s the essence of suffering.”
Santiago, Chile – A new NASA study found that Antarctica has been adding more ice than it’s been losing, challenging other research, including that of the UN’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, that concludes that Earth’s southern continent is losing land ice overall.
“No!” screamed a White House official. “You can’t believe them! They’re lying! You have to believe us, the people who are telling you exactly what you can and can’t do because of a thing that we all believe!” He knocked over his podium, kicked it a few times, then yelled, “you have to believe us!”
“But if you look at the adjusted numbers, it’s losing ice,” said a NOAA scientist. “See? You can’t dispute the facts.” When pressed as to why they were modifying numbers to fit a political narrative, he called us several crass names, spit at us, then stomped out of the room.
The UN called the study “confusing”, “why is NASA, a government agency, not towing the line?” and “then they have made the list. No funding for a decade! That’s what you get for crossing us. Oh, no, we have final say in all US funding measures. It’s in the bylaws. Wait, was that thank you sarcastic or… oh.”
“So who do I believe?” asked a woman. “Should I buy a very expensive electric car or keep using fossil fuels? Also, doesn’t Brazil burning hundreds of thousands of acres of rainforests and China’s run-away coal-burning industries kinda account for most of the carbon in the air? Okay, so then you’re just [expletive deleted]ing with me?”
Seward, AK – The President claims the Exit Glacier retreat of almost two hundred feet is due to climate change.
“This can’t go on!” exclaimed a White House official. “We have to stop driving cars, stop heating our houses, stop exhaling harmful toxic gases that are ruining the environment!” He took a few labored breaths before screaming, “you’re killing us all! Obey or die! Obey you stupid morons, obey! We know better! We’re the adults in the room! Obey!”
“I can’t stress this enough, children,” said Ms. Michelle, Polk Elementary’s second grade teacher’s assistant. “You and your parents are killing the world because you use water. You have to stop using, drinking, or even thinking about water.” She wobbled in her chair, then whispered, “I miss it so. Just one sip. Just one… help.”
Park Rangers called the receding “natural for this time of year”, “part of the global cycle the Earth endures for literally hundreds of millions of years” and “hey, you’re the first to cut our funding, so why should we support you? Three hundred percent raise? Sorry, where were we? Oh, right, global warming and how Republicans burning the bodies of the poor is killing the planet.”
“You’re all idiots,” said a man. “No, don’t describe who I am or what I do, just know that a vast majority of us think you’re idiots. Then stop China from dumping carbon into the air or Brazil from burning down the forests! Well, then you’re an idiot too.”
New York, NY – The number of reported cases of Legionnaires’ disease is on the rise in the United States and researchers say the increase could be partly a result of climate change.
“Granted, it’s considered maybe three eights of a half of a percent, but it’s something!” exclaimed a priest of the Sacred Order of Global Warming. “Now we have the ammunition we need to make sure people stop doing things and do what we want! It’s our single goal!” He made some hand gestures, adding, “blessed.”
“Yes, global warming,” said car salesman as he glanced left and right. He then pulled our reporter into a corner and whispered, “this story has run its course, right? I mean, you’re not going to start digging, are you? Because, you know, people can start thinking about things. Or looking at unmodified temperature numbers… you understand? This is done, right?”
Doctors also report an increase in “coughatitus, because you’re not cutting the plastic on your sixpack”, “poopsalot, because you’re not paying enough taxes” and “death, because… just shut up.”
“What is that, exactly?” asked a woman. “Wait, what? Temperature? Coughing? Sweats? Oh my God! I have Legionnaires’ disease!” Over the screaming of the other passengers on the bus, she screamed, “you’re all gonna die! I killed you all! All of- oh, this is my stop. Excuse me. Excuse- thank you. Excuse me. Ma’am? Stop crying and- just… excuse me. Excuse- thank you.”