Tampa, FL – According to satellite averages, this month was the second largest second month drop in global average satellite temperatures.
“If temps drop it means they have no where to go but up!” exclaimed a scientist. “Which means global warming is real! Which means we’re all doomed because of things we have no control over! Yes, I’m talking about China and developing country’s massive polluting and the destruction of forests in second and third world countries! Hey, can you put exclamation points at the end of everything I say? This way they’ll think I have a lot more energy than I really do! Energy!”
“That totally fits into what I’ve been posting!” said that Facebook friend that makes everything into a political argument. “We all know Bush’s illegal war contributed to global warming, which will raise the oceans by a few feet in a decade.” When we pointed out that the prediction was more than a decade old, she yelled, “corporate shill!”
NATO called the averages “attack worthy”, “nukable” and “let’s attack now, before we draft next year’s budget. Yes, mother, it’s always about the budget. Oh, like you’re keeping track. To war!”
“Well, looks like we’re all good here,” said a man. “Let’s get back to doing what we’re supposed to be doing, which was…” He looked at his watch, adding, “I’m sorry, I gotta just check Facebook and Twitter real fast before finishing this thought.” That’s exactly what he did.
Washington DC – The first day of spring could look more like winter in the beltway with a wintry mix of snow and rain predicted for this weekend.
“This is because we drive cars and not… you know… things,” said a woman. “I’m sorry, but I can’t keep saying the same thing over and over. You know that what we produce is nothing compared to China, right? And deforestation is a major factor and no one does anything about it. And developing burning coal? And… whatever. The weather is what it is. Let’s all just shut up about it.”
“Yeah, slight miscalculation,” admitted a demon during a bad trip. “But don’t worry about it, dude, we’re still on our way and going to eat your soul!” He then flew away, dropping bugs on us. The bugs sorta melted into these weird fuzzy things that glowed green but when they got made then became blue mouths. It made more sense when it was happening.
Congress called the winter storm “unacceptable”, “we’re not going to recess until we take care of this winter situation” and “do people still listen to us or… hello? Can you guys- is anyone… guys?”
“I’m not sure what the problem is,” said a woman. “Are you worried that the globe isn’t obeying your calendar? Does that seem childish to you? No? Are you sure? Wait, before you answer, think about it. Are you sure? Come on, really?”
Albany, NY – Snow, strong winds and floods threatened to snarl travel and shutter schools today as the Northeast braced for another winter storm.
“Another storm?” asked a befuddled Northeasterner. “But we just had one last month? It’s almost like we get snow storms every few weeks during winter! How is that even possible?” After a long pause he whispered, “is it global warming? Is that why? Should I burn my Yukon? Guys? Why are you laughing?”
“This is an emergency,” said a state official. “We’ll need more federal funding!” After a long wink he whispered, “this is how we cover our budget deficits. Also, did you see my long wink? I’m prepping to break the winking world record. Trust me, a few more months of training and I’ll be ready.” He then winked even longer than before.
The Center for Snow called the storm “stormy”, “wintery” and “no, not wonderlandy. That’s not a thing. Why would you even think that’s a thing? Oh, so we’re a joke now? Is that what we are to you? No, get out. You’re no longer welcome. Yes, you can take a gift bag. No, you can’t have another for your kids. Out!”
“I’m happy that things that I think will happen, are happening,” said a woman. “It makes sense that it snows in the winter. If it didn’t, I’d be upset. And you won’t like me when I’m upset. Mostly because I spit when I talk. I know, I’m seeing a speech therapist. Yeah, super expensive.”
New York, NY – Arctic air that has been locked up in Canada isn’t budging, making for record-high temperatures from the South through the Plains and into the Northeast.
“I should be complaining that it’s cold!” said an exasperated woman in shorts. “I should be standing here, shocked that it’s cold in December. Instead I’m standing here shocked that it’s not as cold. I mean, how could it not be cold? It’s December! Obviously this is because I drive a car. I’m such a jerk. But I still look good in shorts, right?”
“All these odd temps make me think we were right!” said a scientist. “Which makes me think I’m some sort of god. Well, let’s look at the facts: we changed numbers to make everything slightly warmer and now it’s slightly warmer. So why aren’t you bowing! Obey me, I am your god!” He then sneezed several times, adding, “wait, can God sneeze? Oh no. No!”
The Canadian Weather Service called the warmer weather “dangerous”, “the cold is the second point in our three point defense against the American invaders” and “oh yes, playing dumb is point three. No, we will never tell you what point one is. Okay, it’s nukes. So stay the [expletive delete] out of Canada! Sorry, but please, stay out.”
“When will this horror end?” asked a man. “I mean, that’s what I’d say if I lived in the area, but I don’t.” After a very long pause he asked, “is that… are you going to use that as my quote? Oh. That’s kinda weird though, right? I mean… okay.”
Detroit, MI – Winter Storm Bella will bring the first, not to mention locally heavy, accumulating snow of the season for some in the Upper Midwest, Corn Belt, and Great Lakes.
“We deeply saddened to announce that somehow, the world has gone cold,” said a White House official. “It’s your fault for driving cars. Your… fault.”
“But… how could… I don’t…” sputtered a man as he stared out of his window. “It’s not… how can that even… where is… who are…” He slowly shook his head, then whispered, “climate change.”
The CDC called the snow “too soon”, “we’re not responsible for what happens next” and “oh, snow. We thought you said something else. No worries. Good luck this winter!”
“This is a sure sign we haven’t been burning enough fossil fuels!” said a fossil fuel burner. “Yeah, that’s my job. Officially. I dunno how it started, but they were like, ‘hey, John, you want this job?’ Good benefits.”
“Yeah, that’s not real, right?” asked an Arizona man. “Snow? During winter? I mean, I know it’s a thing, but I kinda don’t know, you know?” He waited a while, then added, “I think I have heat stroke.”
Boise, ID – Idaho wildlife officials have retrieved two thousand dead snow geese that fell from the sky this week.
“Seems like this is another Canadian trick,” said Fish and Wildlife Ranger Michael Fopner. He picked up a handful of snow, smelled it, tasted it, then announced, “they’re close. Too close.” He whipped around just in time to dodge an elite Canadian soldier’s sword attack. After an exhaustive fight, the triumphant Ranger picked up the soldiers sidearm from the snow, cocked it, and whispered, “not today, Canuck” and pulled the trigger. “Also, you could have helped instead of just screaming.”
“This is because of climate change!” screamed an irate woman as she typed the same thing on her Facebook page. “You better wake up and change how you live, because these geese died because of you, climate deniers!” She slammed her laptop closed, then yelled, “why am I the only person on the planet who cares? No, you shut up! Shut up!”
The North American Wildlife Preservation Society called the deaths “super scary”, “what if that happens to us?” and “wait, we’re all gonna die! Oh my God, we’ve wasted our lives defending stupid animals when we should have spent time with family and friends!”
“Well, at least, ummm,” said a man. “Sorry, just trying to find the silver lining on this whole thing.” He sat for several minutes before announcing, “at least we’re not in Syria! Right? Jesus, what a mess.”
New York, NY – It was the coldest morning in Kentucky in ten years. At Niagara Falls, the majestic rushing water was obscured by blocks of craggy ice. In Florida, the start of spring training felt less than springlike. Winter has come.
“It’s cold, it’s dark, it’s unnatural,” said a woman. “Shouldn’t it be sunny and warm, like in Southern California.” She looked around, then shouted, “damn you, Canada! Why must you be so wintery in the winter!” After taking another sip from her flask she shuffled off into the blinding snow.
“We’ve developed several models which show this trend might have some sort of pattern,” said a scientist. “We’re still working on it, but we’re hopeful by 2050 we’ll have a bead on what’s really happening.” He pointed to a desk full of money, adding, “as long as our funding doesn’t run out. Right guys? Guys? Damn it, are you in the liquid gold hot tub again?”
The National Weather Service called the winter weather “tiring”, “mostly because you morons constantly call up, baffled by it” and “sorry. No, we’re sorry about the moron thing. We’re trying to put a brave face on the end of the world but- oh, you didn’t know? This is it. Climate change has killed us. This winter will last forever. Isn’t that why you called, to atone before the frigid end?”
“It’s not that bad,” said a kid. “I remember it was colder two years ago.” He patted a snowball, then announced, “I’m gonna get you [little brother] Carlos!” and ran off.
Raleigh, North Carolina – More than three hundred thousand people woke up without power and federal government offices in Washington were closed today after a rare band of snow and ice sliced across the South.
“When the [expletive deleted] is there ever cold in February?” screamed a North Carolinian official. After a quick off-mic conversation with a nervous looking aide, he cleared his throat, straightened his tie, and screamed, “we’re all gonna die!”
“Our plan is coming together perfectly,” said a South Carolinian official. “First: arm the Iranians. Second: build a weather weapon with the money. Third: watch as a broken North Carolina decides leaving us was the worst decision of its statehood.”
The National Weather Service called the storm “predictable”, “you guys should really read the Farmer’s Almanac. It seriously predicts all weather events until 3519” and “then it’s written in some crazy alien glyph.”
“I can’t wait until the summer where we’re all complaining about the heat,” said a local man. “Then I’ll truly be happy.” He cleared his throat a few times, then whispered, “please don’t check in with me during the summer. Please.”
London, UK – A scientific breakthrough could herald an end to the common cold, after researchers found a way to “jam” the genetic code and stop the virus replicating.
“This is the best thing we’ve ever done!” exclaimed a scientist working on the project. “Now that we’ve killed off the common cold, we’ll live forever.” After a very long pause he whispered, “once we solve the other billion and a half viruses floating around the planet. Forever!”
“You guys know that’s not how it’s supposed to work, right?” asked an angel in a dream. “It’s all about synergy. Come on, why do you think we have flies or people who ride the bus? No, synergy. Jesus, you really need an attitude adjustment.” As he flew away he added, “see you soon!”
The National Association of Medical Administrators (NAMA) called the breakthrough “deeply troubling”, “if people stop getting sick, we won’t be able to charge them three hundred dollars for a doctor’s visit to tell them they just have a cold” and “such is the double-edged sword of science. That’ll be five hundred dollars. Oh, yes, that’s our cut of the consultation fee. Sucker.”
“Has anyone considered the ramifications of denying the benefits of stressing the human immune system?” asked a scientist. “It occurred to me that- ow! Hey, who brings fruit to a symposium? Also, was that a pineapple? Normally people bring- ow!”