Tampa, FL – According to the US Department of Transportation eight airlines from select cities could begin flying to and from Havana as early as this fall.
“I can’t wait to stand in a line to travel to America,” said a Cuban. “I mean, the racism, the executions, the poverty! They’re finally just like us! Hurray for globalization!” He spat several times in the street, then stabbed a woman standing next to him. We tried to stop him, but the local authorities stopped us, claiming he knew one of the brothers.
“We look forward to torturing the people of another country,” said an airline official. “Not only will there be soul-crushing delays, but lost luggage, tons of fees, paperwork, fines for missing paperwork or unpaid fees, so much confusion over language and customs.” He held up his hands, adding, “I’m already chafing from all the hand-rubbing-in-anticipation! Chafing!”
Cuba called the opening “great”, “it’s always a good day when you beat your enemy” and “oh yes, you’re weak and soft. So much so we’re literally floating over our tanks to take over Florida. No, you can’t give it to us, we’re taking it!”
“This is a huge step for all of us who have family in Cuba but haven’t been able to get there for fifty years,” said an American. “And, know, now we can trade with them and get… damn it, were we duped again? And why the hell am I charged an international traveling fee? What is that?”
Havana, Cuba – As Cubans debate the impact of President Barack Obama’s historic trip to the island last week, one prominent figure is lambasting the visit: Fidel Castro.
“This is horrible!” screamed a member of the old guard. “Talking with the Americans! That’s like… I dunno, I’ve only used ‘talking with Americans’ as the second half of my metaphor, not the first. I can’t say talking with the Americans is like talking with the Americans, right? Would you get… yeah, I’ll need some time to think of something else.”
“This is horrible!” yelled a Congressman. “The only way to get anything done ever is to heavy-hand the [expletive deleted] out of it.” He slammed his fist on the table and yelled, “triple sanctions! Bomb them! Nuke them! That’s the only way they’ll learn! Waterboard the entire country! Yes, literally. We have that weather weapon, right? Then let’s get to work!”
Cubans called the talks “gross”, “like talking to your very rich uncle who wants to reach out and help you” and “wait, why are we calling this gross. We’re the ones that will make a mint off of these suckers. And can you believe these morons are considering socialism? Everyone, shhh, stop laughing, if we play this right, we can totally grift these marks. Shhh.”
“Lesson learned,” said a North Korean general. “Oh yes, we took a lot of lessons from that visit. Looks like we’ll be in charge once America gives up fighting us as well. Another rogue nation victory. Booyeah.”
Holguin, Cuba – The AP is giving up to the minute reports on the latest developments in Pope Francis’ visit to Cuba and the United States.
“This is how it should work,” said a priest. “You all should shut up and do what the Pope tells you to do. I don’t care about the centuries of fiscally, emotionally, and sexually abusing parishioners: shut up and obey. We speak for God, got it? That’s the guy who made all of this. No, no, no. You’re not getting it. Shut up. Fall in line. Obey.”
“Update sixty five thousand, three hundred eighty nine,” said a haggard reporter. “Pope praises local shaved ice stand, calling it ‘an everyday example of Christ.’ Hold on.” He took another gulp of Gatorade, then managed, “update sixty five thousand, three hundred ninety: Pope leaves shaved ice stand and takes a step.”
The Vatican called the reporting “alarming”, “why aren’t you telling the real story?” and “we’ve invaded a sovereign country, liberated their people, and brought them out of spiritual darkness, and all you want to do is talk about the Pope meeting a poor kid? We literally destroyed- ah, forget it.”
“If we give away all of our money, we’ll be bankrupt,” said an executive. “Then there will be no company to employ people. So then we’re all poor. How is that progress?” After a long pause he added, “so shut up and do what I say. I’m in charge here and will be until you morons figure out that education is the key to success. And who told you to stop bowing?”
Miami, FL – Cuba is using the internet to experiment with toning down its political censorship in a sign that a glimmer of glasnost has arrived on the Communist-run Caribbean island.
“We’re considering letting them sorta do stuff on a trial basis,” said a Cuban official covered in blood. “Oh, this? No, no, you misunderstand. I was ripping apart a man who made fun of Castro’s beard. Yes, I know he’s no longer in power, that’s why I didn’t burn his family alive.” He lit a cigar, adding, “here’s to the republic for the people!”
“You can’t do that!” screamed a millennial. “Everyone should be given everything all the time!” He slammed his fists on his table, shouting, “we need to take from the rich Cubans and buy the poor computers! They deserve equality and- what? Communist? So, they literally are all equal and… oh no. No! I have to get back to business school, like, right now!”
The UN called the experiment “too much, too fast”, “if we let these people free, baseball will change forever” and “yes, we’re heavily invested in baseball! It’s the sport of the world and- what? Football? With all the concussions, it’s not- what? Soccer? Really? No, we haven’t been out among the people since, well, forever. Yes, we are having a very honest day.”
“It’s the easiest way to control a populous,” said a Pentagon official. “Since we can’t drug them anymore, we’ll give them the next best thing: entertainment. Why do you think we gave Netflix three billion last year? Control.”
Washington DC – The Obama administration is putting a large dent in the US embargo against Cuba, significantly loosening restrictions on American trade and investment.
“I mean, who’s gonna stop us?” argued a White House officer. “Congress? The people? The answer is no one. No one is gonna stop us. So, then the question becomes, how should we remake the world? Here we are, one decree at a time. Also, I’d appreciate it if you’d bend the knee every time you address a White House staffer, per our new rules. That’s better.”
“Yes!” said a Cuban. “Now we can get money that will flow through our business and right to our perfect communist state.” He looked around his tattered shack, adding, “errr, mission accomplished? How do you say ‘mierd’ in English? Ah, yes. That seems appropriate.”
The Administration also noted “if any country wants to take us over, go ahead”, “guys, this whole economy thing is too tough to figure out. Can we just zero everything out and start over?” and “if you violate our food policy we will amputate. That’s a non-negotiable.”
“That’s not how it’s supposed to work,” said a law professor. “And it doesn’t matter who disagrees with the law. You need Congress to redact the law. It’s… is anyone listening?” He broke his chalk in half, then screamed, “damn it! That was my good chalk! This is the worst day ever! I mean, besides the day I lost my legs. Yeah, it was a real wakeup call to manage my diet.”