Tampa, FL – According to the US Department of Transportation eight airlines from select cities could begin flying to and from Havana as early as this fall.
“I can’t wait to stand in a line to travel to America,” said a Cuban. “I mean, the racism, the executions, the poverty! They’re finally just like us! Hurray for globalization!” He spat several times in the street, then stabbed a woman standing next to him. We tried to stop him, but the local authorities stopped us, claiming he knew one of the brothers.
“We look forward to torturing the people of another country,” said an airline official. “Not only will there be soul-crushing delays, but lost luggage, tons of fees, paperwork, fines for missing paperwork or unpaid fees, so much confusion over language and customs.” He held up his hands, adding, “I’m already chafing from all the hand-rubbing-in-anticipation! Chafing!”
Cuba called the opening “great”, “it’s always a good day when you beat your enemy” and “oh yes, you’re weak and soft. So much so we’re literally floating over our tanks to take over Florida. No, you can’t give it to us, we’re taking it!”
“This is a huge step for all of us who have family in Cuba but haven’t been able to get there for fifty years,” said an American. “And, know, now we can trade with them and get… damn it, were we duped again? And why the hell am I charged an international traveling fee? What is that?”
New York, NY – More than fourteen hundred flights out of or into the region’s three major airports have already been canceled this morning, in anticipation of a massive blizzard that could drop two to three feet of snow on the tristate area up through New England.
“Normally, we’d wait until the storm strikes before stranding millions for nine days,” said an airline official. “But since everyone’s freaked out about weather, we’re gonna go right for the jugular and just preemptively strand people. Also, we’re adding a stranded fee of twenty five dollars per person.” After a second he noted, “per hour.”
“It’s official, right?” asked a terrorist. “We’ve won? I mean, it takes hours to get through security protocols that we all know simply give the appearance of security, they can barely keep a schedule they make, and they’re on the verge of bankruptcy. I’m gonna call it and say we win.”
The National Weather Service called the shutdown “stupid”, “shouldn’t you get those people out of the way so they’re not sitting in an airport for the next week under fifty something feet of snow?” and “oh, by the way, it’s going to be a lot worse than predicted. A lot.”
“What will this mean for, ummm, I’m not sure why I should care,” said a young boy as he pulled out his sled. “It seems like most commerce is conducted over the internet, so overall business shouldn’t be effected, which means… who cares? Let’s go sledding!”