Tampa, FL – According to satellite averages, this month was the second largest second month drop in global average satellite temperatures.
“If temps drop it means they have no where to go but up!” exclaimed a scientist. “Which means global warming is real! Which means we’re all doomed because of things we have no control over! Yes, I’m talking about China and developing country’s massive polluting and the destruction of forests in second and third world countries! Hey, can you put exclamation points at the end of everything I say? This way they’ll think I have a lot more energy than I really do! Energy!”
“That totally fits into what I’ve been posting!” said that Facebook friend that makes everything into a political argument. “We all know Bush’s illegal war contributed to global warming, which will raise the oceans by a few feet in a decade.” When we pointed out that the prediction was more than a decade old, she yelled, “corporate shill!”
NATO called the averages “attack worthy”, “nukable” and “let’s attack now, before we draft next year’s budget. Yes, mother, it’s always about the budget. Oh, like you’re keeping track. To war!”
“Well, looks like we’re all good here,” said a man. “Let’s get back to doing what we’re supposed to be doing, which was…” He looked at his watch, adding, “I’m sorry, I gotta just check Facebook and Twitter real fast before finishing this thought.” That’s exactly what he did.
Washington DC – Government lawyers announced a nearly fifteen billion dollar settlement with carmaker Volkswagen to partially resolve a US investigation into emissions cheating on certain models of diesel vehicles.
“Granted, we all know that car emissions account for less than one percent of greenhouse gasses,” said an expert. “But let’s all just feel good about ourselves and pretend that driving a car that looks like a 50’s child’s idea of the future!” He pinched his nose, adding, “sorry, I… sorry. My kids are home for the summer and… let’s start over. Yes, this is good because now companies are getting fined by a government that can’t even provide healthcare! Damn it!”
“You see, we have guns,” said a government official. “So you either do what we say or we’ll throw you in jail or kill you for resisting.” He pointed to his sidearm, adding, “but don’t forget, this is a democracy, so you can say what you want as we shoot you. Also, I have to shoot you for… whatever.”
Car companies called the settlement “confusing”, “the government bought most of us years ago, aren’t they just paying themselves?” and “the only way this could be worse is taxing their income that they made to pay themselves on their payment to themselves. It made sense in our heads.”
“Yeah, business in America seems to be going away,” said a businessman. “So yes, Qatar officials, I’d love to incorporate my business here. Boy, that’s some weather? Always this hot? Huh.”
Los Angeles, CA – An extreme heat wave will grip the southwestern United States through early week.
“We encourage everyone to stay inside and crank their air conditioners,” said a local official. “Until we have the inevitable power outage because we haven’t built a nuclear power plant since the 70s. Come on, people, they’re safe with power war tech so how could they not be safe with today’s tech. Huh, yeah, I guess removing them from the internet is the best failsafe out there. Huh? Yeah, way off course. Sorry.”
“This heat is oppressive!” yelled a protestor as she waved her ‘Don’t Heat On Me’ flag. “It’s time we stand up to the heat and…” She swayed, then collapsed. As other protestors tried to give her water she refused, citing the water company’s donations to political action committees that support a competing ideology.
Los Angeles officials also advise “be on the lookout for… everything. Yeah, we lost control again”, “watch out for officials. Those bastards will blow your money on the stupidest things and stiff press release writers” and “hey! We didn’t… well, just because it’s true doesn’t mean it has to be said. Okay, back to the release. Let’s see. Oh, right, here: I am a pervert. Wait a minute!”
“Yeah, that’s gonna happen,” said a sweaty man. “It’s the summer and Lord knows it gets hot in the summer. No, He does. Have you accepted Jesus- wait! Come back! I have to tell you how you’re doing it wrong! Stop!”
Des Moines, IA – There may be another reason to discourage farmers from feeding antibiotics to livestock: global warming.
“We need to stop farmers!” yelled a government official. “No, not with laws or regulation, but with cash incentives to not do what they do! It’s the only was to enforce laws. Oh, also, sorry, this totally slipped my mind, we’re giving drug dealers fifty grand a week to stop dealing. Well, to self-report that they’re stopped dealing.”
“You ain’t tellin’ me what to do,” said a farmer. “We take whatever we want: water, money, and yes, your women folk.” He pointed to his barn, adding, “I got me most of them housewives from that there television. Granted, a few of em died when me and the missus went on vacation. Oh yeah, flights to Bermuda are cheap right now.”
The USDA called the finding “disgraceful”, “harmful” and “we’re going to say whatever we can to look like we were on this whole ‘global warming’ thing and… whatever, just don’t cut our funding. Yeah, Look at NASA, they spoke their minds and got [expletive deleted]ed. True story, look it up.”
“Didn’t that fat politician tell us that we were going to be underwater in ten years?” asked a teenager. She looked around, then added, “then he’s a fat [expletive deleted]ing liar who got filthy [expletive deleted]ing rich on a hoax he invented. How [expletive deleted]ed up is that? Yeah, well you’re a [expletive deleted]ing chump.”
Los Angeles, CA – A new project called Climate Feedback, run by a French scientist living in California, has critiqued climate change stories in the New York Times, Rolling Stone, the Telegraph, Forbes magazine, the Wall Street Journal and more.
“These stories are wrong,” said a climate change fan(atic). “They need to be more jarring, more extreme, and more dire. There’s hardly a human face in this story! Where are the distressed indigenous people who live on the coastline for thousands of generations? Where are the poor farmer or fisherman? Why aren’t more companies being villainized? Disgusting.”
“All I wanted to do was put a critical eye on the feverish claims from scientists who are changing data-” said a researcher seconds before the firing squad shot six bullets into his heart. He tried to finish his thought, but it was muted under the blood flowing from his mouth. As his body was dragged away, another researcher was placed in the chair and he yelled, “why not apply science to-”
Other websites include revising “the discovery of the Americas, where the natives kill the horrible explorers”, “the civil war where the Democrats win and keep slavery” and “websites, so everything conforms to our extreme view.”
“Isn’t the point of science to challenge things?” asked a child. “And, like, shouldn’t we just evaluate the facts and not some computer adjusted number? Isn’t it okay to say that things change slowly, and still make your argument that we’re messing with the planet? Wow, that’s a lot of noes.”
Los Angeles, CA – A new study looking at the effects of climate change predicts an extra week of dangerous ozone levels every year across the US by the year 2050.
“We started this whole thing by freaking out about the ozone,” said a federal scientist. “And, since we’re losing the PR battle over global warming, we need to dust off this ol’ chestnut. After all, you don’t want the whales to die from deforestation, do you? Then buy hybrid cars! We paid a lot of money for those companies, so buy em! Also, keep doing what we say, it’s kinda a turn on.”
“I know we said all of the major cities would be flooded by 2010,” said an elderly scientist. “But it turns out the planet is a half of a degree hotter, and will continue on this deviating path for the next few centuries, so…” He shuffled away, adding, “I don’t remember the rest of the story, but it’s… something. I forgot why we even started the whole thing. Something about getting back at Nixon.”
The White House called the prediction “an epidemic”, “it didn’t happen on our watch” and “just what the Republicans want: to kill the poor and take your money. Remember that when you vote, because there’s always someone richer than you. Yes, we spun that pretty hard, but… just do what we say!”
“Jesus, the ozone?” asked a teen. “That’s… what does that do? Oh, so we should stop burning forests and using diesel fuel? Yeah, I don’t do that, do you? Oh, so can you ask whomever does that to stop? Great.”
Washington DC – The first day of spring could look more like winter in the beltway with a wintry mix of snow and rain predicted for this weekend.
“This is because we drive cars and not… you know… things,” said a woman. “I’m sorry, but I can’t keep saying the same thing over and over. You know that what we produce is nothing compared to China, right? And deforestation is a major factor and no one does anything about it. And developing burning coal? And… whatever. The weather is what it is. Let’s all just shut up about it.”
“Yeah, slight miscalculation,” admitted a demon during a bad trip. “But don’t worry about it, dude, we’re still on our way and going to eat your soul!” He then flew away, dropping bugs on us. The bugs sorta melted into these weird fuzzy things that glowed green but when they got made then became blue mouths. It made more sense when it was happening.
Congress called the winter storm “unacceptable”, “we’re not going to recess until we take care of this winter situation” and “do people still listen to us or… hello? Can you guys- is anyone… guys?”
“I’m not sure what the problem is,” said a woman. “Are you worried that the globe isn’t obeying your calendar? Does that seem childish to you? No? Are you sure? Wait, before you answer, think about it. Are you sure? Come on, really?”
Tampa, FL – In their “hottest year ever” press briefing, NOAA included this graph, which stated that they have a fifty eight year long radiosonde temperature record but only showed half of the graph to hide the pre-1979 cooling.
“But, it’s hot outside!” exclaimed a NOAA official. “Therefor, we’re right, end of story. We don’t need to show facts or figures, just look outside. Crazy weather? Guess why? Global warming. Because it’s warm. Because look at the facts… the facts of how it feels. Right? I’m gonna keep talking until you leave so you might as- okay, bye!”
“This is all a lie,” said a sweating man. “I’m only sweating because I’m in a sauna and I’m only in a sauna because I’m in Finland and I’m only in Finland because my company promoted me to international sales. Why? I donno, but I’m beginning to suspect I’ve failed upwards. Which I’m willing to accept. So… Finland. Yeah.”
NOAA also failed to mention “the last few ice ages”, “where birds go when it rains” and “what ever happened to the swing revival movement. Remember that, in the 90s? So weird.”
“The best way to convince people isn’t to doctor numbers, or ‘adjust’ them, or omit them,” said a student. “Just give them the facts. It doesn’t matter that we’re bumping up a half of a degree Celsius, what matters is we know the truth and can act accordingly. Jesus, stop trying to sell us your crisis and just give us the facts.”
Miami, FL – NASA experts claim as glaciers melt due to climate change, the increasingly hot and parched Earth is absorbing some of that water inland, slowing sea level rise.
“So there is no problem,” said a man as he sprayed hair spray into the air. “What? There is no problem so these aerosols are doing nothing. Don’t you see? It’s all been a lie! Let’s burn this [expletive deleted]ing planet down, because there is nothing to worry about!” As he pulled out a lighter, he added, “at least, that’s why science tells us. Are you smarter than scientists?”
“But… people have to die!” said an enviornmental protestor. “That’s the whole point. We tell people they’re going to die unless they do what we say, and then we control them. I dunno what happens after that, but we’ve won, right? We fix all the problems by telling people what to do! That’s how it’s supposed to… right?”
NASA called the absorption “a total oversight”, “remember when we said the oceans would rise and flood everything? Yeah, we kinda forgot about a whole system that takes in water” and “whatever, you try doing what we do!”
“Ugh, so I gotta pay my taxes?” asked a father. “That’s what this boils down to: I have to pay my taxes. No, before I didn’t because I could just say, ‘well, the world will be underwater, so what’s the point?’ but now I have to. Wow, that’s some suspicious timing, don’t you think? Taxes? Damn it.”
Rome, Italy – Rome and Milan have imposed bans on cars starting today, with one small town near Naples prohibiting wood-fired pizza ovens, as Italian authorities seek to combat air-pollution that has breached alert levels in an exceptionally warm and dry winter.
“The last thing we need is the people driving around, getting to and fro,” said an Italian official. “It’s best if everyone just stays in place until the asteroid hits, then accepts our inevitable… wait, did they tell you yet? Oh no.”
“It makes all of us here collectively sick,” said a Detroit car manufacturer. He pointed to the empty assembly floor, adding, “everyone called in sick today because of this. Everyone except me. I have an iron stomach. And I’m also a sociopath, so…”
Italy is also reportedly considering banning “anything that makes this noise: vrrrrummmmmm”, “pleats” and “forethought and reason.”
“Why can’t we all just stop using technology?” asked a White House official. “Why are people fighting us? We have to live in caves the way our Supreme Leader’s religion dictates or be killed for… wait a minute. Is this on the record? Oh. You understand I have to kill you now. Yeah, it’s been a hard year for all of us. Praise be.”